Tuesday, January 31, 2006

An open letter to Oprah Winfrey:

Dear Oprah,

The world is abuzz over your most recent interview with James Frey, author of "A Million Little Pieces", where you excoriated him for his fabrications and embellishments in his so-called memoir. I have read about your personal stake in this drama, evolving from wide-eyed fan, to duped and shamed cheerleader, arriving finally at the natural habitat for talk show hosts, moral high-grounder. This emotional journey was a rollercoaster for us all.

I must admit, however, that a gnawing fear has been growing inside me as I read of your heroics. What if these recent days have merely whetted your appetite for witch hunting and truthiness slaying? What if you're already lining up another fat target in your holy scope of moral certitude?

What if that fat target is me?

So, call off those attack hounds you call producers and let me come clean, right here, right now. I, Mike "Is That A Blog In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See Me" Rockefeller, being of sound mind, and sexy sexy blog, do hereby admit to the following fibs in my blog

1) On December 7th, 2004, I did not actually say, "Agreed, that would be an unpleasant thing to insert in my anus."

2) On January 31st, 2005, my nose did not really write my blog entry for me.

3) My middle name is not "Is That A Blog In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Happy To See" me. It's Desiree.

4) In my "100 things about me post", thing #100 said, "If you met me in the real world, you'd think I was slightly annoying and a little rude. You'd be wrong." You'd be right.

5) On May 31st, 2005, I did not really try to see how many of my own knuckles I could gnaw off in an hour. Nor did I try to beat that record.

6) On October 16th, 2005, I did not actually menstruate.

7) My middle name is not Desiree.

8) On September 11th, 2005, I did not slice off my left testicle.

9) On December 6th, 2005, no flaming $100 bills were crapped out of my butt.

10) On January 11th, 2006, I did not think it was sexy when my wife puked.

11) My last name is not Rockefeller.

There. I hope you're happy now, Oprah. The shroud has been lifted and you may now all gawk at me in full frontal blogger nudity. I'm swinging in the wind, baby.


ps. May I please have a new car?


zelda1 said...

And young man, I hope this serves as a lesson that truthfullness will always set you free. We know this because the truth of being a talk show host is that it's all about being truthful and free. Free to be truthful, truthful to be free, and let the tears flow, the healing begin, and maybe you, too, will get your own body trainer and diet coach and drop those pounds, provided you are overweight, and you, too, can become content in yourself and what? Yes, true to yourself. Your innerchild will be pacified and you will grow and that is what we are here for, to grow and be an asset to this planet.

Mike said...

Being a talk show host sounds way better than being a computer programmer. Next life.

Janelle Renee said...

Oh, the humanity! I don't know how I can go on! Mike, you.... FIBBED??!!

I don't know if I can ever take you seriously again.

ps. Tell Oprah I want a new car, too. Thanks.

Mike said...

Janelle, tell her yourself!

Janelle Renee said...

Such sass! Fine, I will ask her! See if I put in a good word for you.

BTW, I tagged you on my blog. Get your sassy self over there and read it. Boy!

Mike said...

janelle, I saw your tag. I just already had the Oprah post half-written I couldn't let a nugget of genius like that go stale, could I? Besides, I got to your damn meme.

Loki said...

... I loved this entry... good stuff. And a keen observation, that moral high ground is the natural habitat for talk show hosts -- never thought of it but so true.

Mike said...

Thanks, Wolf. I'm not sure how all those diverse talk show hosts can all claim the moral highground, but magically they can!

Badaunt said...

Just to set the record straight, does that mean that you sliced off your right testicle?

Mike said...

Badaunt, that's between me and Oprah, figuratively speaking.