Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought anything like this would happen to me. All these years I had thought that the letters in Penthouse Forum were just made up, but then it finally happened.

On Monday night, the wife and I went to bed as usual. I had no idea it would end up being such a crazy night!

After sleeping for about 3 hours, my wife started moaning and groaning. Oh baby! It had been a long time (never) since she had woken me up in the middle of the night for some lovin'. "Hey, I still got it!" I thought to myself. I wondered if she had been turned on by my massive biceps or my rock-hard abs. As I contemplated this daily puzzle, my wife shrieked unintelligibly and began to babble about the room spinning.

Bingo! Role playing time!

I performed a quick set of Kegel exercises and immediately adopted my Naughty Nurse persona. My wife pretended to be extremely dizzy and clutched me in mock fear.

"The room is spinning! I can't stand it! Oh, god! MIKE! What's going on?!?! I think I'm going to puke!" she purred.

Sexy! I jumped out of bed, only pausing briefly to flex my gluts, and ran to get some sort of puke bucket, a very naughy puke bucket. I returned quickly, relieved to find her moaning and quite obviously still very much in the mood.

"Ohhhhh! I can't take this! I'm gonna puke! Help me to the bathroom!!" she begged.

That sounded hot. It had been a long time since we had had bathroom sex. I tried to stay in character and refrained from groping her as I led her to the toilet. The Naughty Nurse is VERY good at his job.

The wife collapsed onto the bathroom floor and rubbed the toilet suggestively. She moaned sweet nothings like, "Why is this happening?!?!" and "I think I have a brain tumor!!", and then she teased me for a very long time. I finally began to understand the rules of this sex game. This was the kinkiest game we had played yet. Apparently the goal wasn't orgasm, or traditional Western Capitalistic intimacy, but rather to puke, sexy sexy puke. My role was to help her.

So, we waited quite a while Much longer than sex normally takes. I urged her to stick her finger down her throat (hot!) and tried to think of nauseating things to say. Nothing worked. She had horrible nausea, but just wasn't able to take it all the way and achieve a satisfying puke. Then, something happened.

Some folks would say it was the chili I had for dinner. Others would credit the burrito from the lunch truck, but I say it was love, true love in its purest form. When the hour was darkest, and my wife was in her greatest need, I came through with a particularly fragrant fart.

"Sorry," I offered.

She crinkled her nose and suddenly gagged. Within seconds, she was hurling. Ahhh, sweet satisfaction. The wife enjoyed several rounds of this satisfaction and felt much better afterwards. I had performed my manly duties.

She cleaned up a bit and then returned to bed with me. Unfortunately this was one of those nights when she was insatiable, so we returned to the bathroom. She claimed that she was too dizzy to walk by herself, but I knew she just wanted more of my bathroom lovin'. She needed more inspiration to achieve vomitgasm, but this time I was impotent.

I had shot my wad. I was spent. My sphincter was done for the night and I was gas free. My wife begged for more of my sweet flatulent action, but I was unable to perform and ashamed of it. So, like any good man, I turned to tools. Being a programmer, I grabbed the nearest laptop.

I searched wide across the Internet for the vilest, most disgusting, most nauseating images I could find. Although I was unable to find the always reliable goatse site, Google came through with an impressive array of images of people in mid-puke. I gathered a set of the most gag-reflex-inducing ones, and shared them with my wife.

They helped a little, but she was out of vomit herself. Despite still wanting to go on, and still being tremendously nauseated, she was done puking for the night. I kept her company the rest of the night. It was still super sexy.

And that, Penthouse Forum, is my story.

(Note 1: There seems to be some weird bug going around. We know two other people in San Francisco who also became afflicted with vertigo (sexy vertigo) and nausea the last couple days. Weird.)

(Note 2: I swear I read a story somewhat similar to this in somebody's blog a few weeks ago. A guy had written about how he ALMOST made his wife puke by farting. Hah! I am so much better of a husband than you!)


Will said...

This comparison of what $1999 gets you in a MacBook vs an Acer might help make Hank hurl.

The Mincemeat Vixen said...

'Twas on the Sneeze.

Mike said...

Will, although it's shameful to only get 512Mb for $1999, it's more shameful to pay that amount and end up with XP.

Vixen, that's right! Thanks!

zelda1 said...

I am a can't-vomit person myself. I don't recall ever having a time when vomit and sex went together, not even in Mr. Zelda's most urgent need, but I do remember drinking way too much Valley High Wine and later lying in bed thinking the world it won't stop, oh God, the world is upside down, and oh God, I'm going to puke, and me being the anti-puke queen (not wanting it in my mouth) ran to the bathroom and just got a glimpse of my running-to-hurl reflection in the mirror and all of a sudden, without notice, the vomit came rushing up past my pyloric sphincter and through my esophagus but no, not in my mouth, never in my mouth so I held my mouth shut and the eruption, yes eruption, out both nares, like a vomit breathing drunk on cheap wine dragon, chunks and all. So, while one woman's vomit is another person's aphrodisiac, well, my vomit is, for the most part, a dragon's most wet of dreams.

Mike said...

Zelda1, ewwwww! We don't do that kind of kinky stuff here in SF. Just plain ol' vanilla mouth-puking.

Leesa said...

Wow, this is a lovely story.
Vomit through the nose...that HAD to hurt.
I had a very scary night once after too much Wild Turkey.....umm, I think I'll keep that to myself.

Mike said...

Lessa, awwww, come on. Share your puke story with us.

Leesa said...

Let's just say I swear I saw food I had eaten the week before. Yum.

Mike said...

I think everyone has their set of foods that seem to mysteriously appear in vomit, regardless of what was eaten that day. I'm a peas man.

zelda1 said...

One time, I had the flu, I swear no alcohol involved. And, and, well let's just say that I have not eaten green beans since. OH YEAH!!! Green beans and hydorcholoric acid plus a little green bile. No way, no more, can't do it, won't not even in a casserole.

Mike said...

Puking may be deserving of its own blog. Hell, there probably already is one.