Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I need a new way to swear in this blog. In the non-typing world, I swear with something approaching a sense of entitlement. I spray non-FCC-approved words around like an enraged monkey hurling feces, relying heavily on F--- and S---. My choice of curse words doesn't win me any points for creativity, but sometimes you have to stick with the classics. In this blog, however, I'm surprisingly reluctant to use those same words. I don't know why, but we have much psychoanalysis to do later, so let's move along.

In writing I'm inclined to use expressions like "Christ!", "Jesus!", or "Holy crap!" to express surprise or horror, but that really makes no sense for an agnostic. Frankly, the entire concept of holy crap is a bit beyond me. So, I need something new, some way to swear without invoking religion or the naughty naughty words. In this post, I'll try out a few ones (in italics, for easy spotting).

Why do I need curse words today? How else can I describe the abysmal and humorless day that I had yesterday?

Giant elephant nuts! Trying to go a whole day without joking was REALLY HARD! First off, I failed. By my count, I made about 4 jokes yesterday. One on instant messenger and three others with the family. The rest of the day was filled with answers like:

"Yes, that sounds nice."
"Agreed, that would be an unpleasant thing to insert in my anus."

Secondly, I'm just not an interesting guy without the thin veneer of humor that coats much of my communication. What do non-smart-asses talk about all day? The weather? Ripping duct tape off a hairy ass, that's boring.

Finally, I found the day to be very depressing. I felt more and more listless and demoralized as the day went on. By the end of my work day, I was in some sort of seriousness coma (note, not an actual medical condition).

So, what did I learn from my day?

1) Approximately 52% of my self esteem is tied up in my ability to craft humor.
2) Approximately 75% of the thoughts that spew from me, are tainted by Outgoing Humor Filter.
3) Dead babies, yesterday sucked.

And what did I learn from today's experiment at trying to come up with new ways to express surprise and anger? I learned it wasn't funny! Should have done this yesterday


Gary said...

Funny, but I have the same problem with swearing in my blog. It's as if I'm frightened my mam might read it ... even though I'm 34 and happily swear like a trooper in front of my dad!!

At work I tried going a day without swearing - much the same as your sarcastic comments crusade - but after two hours my co-workers asked me if I was feeling ok as I hadn't used the words f@!k, s!*t, and w#@!*r ...

Mike said...

Gary, I guess we can't deny our true selves, swearing smart ass, bastards.

amy said...

I find myself saying shit and hell often on my blog but when it comes to the beautiful word of fuck. I have to put an asterik in there for some queer reason like no other mindless blog reader will figure it out or be offended. I agree with the other guy....I swear with the rest of them but somehow if my mom "finds out" I'm swearing, using the F*CK word...holy shit, I'm in trouble now! Of course, I have yet to tell her I have a website but that's another issue in itself. I try not to swear but it's hard. I work with idiots. So online, on my blog, I call all men idiots, "fuckwits"...which I picked up from BRIDGET JONES, yes she's a fictional character, so what? But it's still funny to call men fuckwits and it doesn't seem like I'm swearing at all! Dammit.

Mike said...

You may have a point, Inky. I've never seen a list of swear words that contained "fuckwit". I guess it's ok!

Siôn said...

Fuckwit is a great swearword. As is Gobshite. Feel free to use these in everyday life to your heart's content.

Gary said...

I agree about Fuckwit - it's my favourite description of a co-worker at the moment.
Gobshite is a bit Scouse Siôn, but then again you are an Evertonian!

I find myself quite de-sensitised to the C... word recently too, but not everyone is, as I found to my cost in the office this week!!

amy said...

Gobshite doesn't sound sassy enough to be included in the same sentence as calling a guy a fuckwit. I don't even know how to get Gobshite off my tonque to sound even half way "cool"... But saying the word "cunt" now that makes heads spin and look doesn't it??? ha ha ha ha. I need to go wash my mouth out with soap. Bad inky. Bad girl.

Mike said...

Inky, if you've got gobshite on your tongue, I think you should get that taken care of.