There's a mirror in our dining room right across from the chair I normally sit in. It's been there for years, so it wasn't very unusual that I was able to see myself during lunch yesterday.
I took a bite of chicken and caught a glimpse of myself chewing in the mirror. I noticed that my jaw wasn't going straight up and down, but made a slight circular motion as I chewed. I had never seen anything quite like it. Well, that's not exactly true, it was vaguely reminiscent of a cow chewing its cud.
"Oh my god!" I blurted out to Hank and Daisy, "Look how weird I'm chewing!"
"Yeah? So?" asked Hank
"Have I ALWAYS chewed this way? Like a cow??" I asked incredulously.
"Yes. That's just the way you chew," she answered very matter-of-factly, as though it was perfectly normal to be married to a ruminant. Daisy nodded in agreement.
Note that I've been living in this body for more than 43 years now. Although I'm not the world's most observant guy, I've spent a fair percentage of that time cataloguing my flaws from head to Frankentoe. It is unfathomable to me that I've never noticed that I chew like a cow.
"And you never thought to mention this to me?! You never thought to say, 'Hey, Mike, you chew in weird circles' ?"
"Well, really, it's a effective way for the teeth to grind up food," Hank offered helpfully.
"YES, IF YOU'RE A COW CHEWING GRASS! Let me watch you guys chew!" I demanded.
Hank and Daisy then each demonstrated their chewing technique. They chewed like humans.
"My god," I moaned, "I can't believe you never mentioned this. Personally, I cherish each one of your flaws that I notice, knowing that I can lord them over you."
Hank stared at me.
"Also, you walk like a girl and you throw like a sissy," she replied after a moment's hesitation.
"I... walk... like... a... girl. How exactly do I do that?"
"I don't know. Something about how your hips swish."
Godddddddaaaaaaammmmmmmn! Of course the most astonishing thing about this conversation was that it was probably my favorite part of my weekend.
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6 comments:
Lordy lordy, how I love Hank. For some reason she makes me think that she must be like the wife in the T.V. show " Mad about you ". Long may she reign. And glad to see you back at your quill.
Having never watched Mad About You, I can't comment on her Helen Huntness, but she does seem to get in her fair share of zingers.
Great post, especially "married to a ruminant".
--Pablo
Chewing like a cow is OK. If you chewed like a rodent, that would be really annoying. By extension, being a ruminant means you are ruminative - who doesn't like thoughtful types?
Mya x
Pablo, thanks! Figured you needed a blog post to occupy you during Leonarda's absence.
Mya, I'm not sure it's ever ok to chew like a cow. And I'm now horrified about the fact that I chew gum often during the workday.
the clock is ticking !!!
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