Sunday, May 22, 2011

There's a mirror in our dining room right across from the chair I normally sit in. It's been there for years, so it wasn't very unusual that I was able to see myself during lunch yesterday.

I took a bite of chicken and caught a glimpse of myself chewing in the mirror.  I noticed that my jaw wasn't going straight up and down, but made a slight circular motion as I chewed.  I had never seen anything quite like it.  Well, that's not exactly true, it was vaguely reminiscent of a cow chewing its cud.

"Oh my god!"  I blurted out to Hank and Daisy, "Look how weird I'm chewing!"

"Yeah?  So?" asked Hank

"Have I ALWAYS chewed this way?  Like a cow??" I asked incredulously.

"Yes.  That's just the way you chew," she answered very matter-of-factly, as though it was perfectly normal to be married to a ruminant.  Daisy nodded in agreement.

Note that I've been living in this body for more than 43 years now.  Although I'm not the world's most observant guy, I've spent a fair percentage of that time cataloguing my flaws from head to Frankentoe.  It is unfathomable to me that I've never noticed that I chew like a cow.

"And you never thought to mention this to me?!  You never thought to say, 'Hey, Mike, you chew in weird circles' ?"

"Well, really, it's a effective way for the teeth to grind up food," Hank offered helpfully.

"YES, IF YOU'RE A COW CHEWING GRASS!  Let me watch you guys chew!" I demanded.

Hank and Daisy then each demonstrated their chewing technique.  They chewed like humans.

"My god," I moaned, "I can't believe you never mentioned this.  Personally, I cherish each one of your flaws that I notice, knowing that I can lord them over you."

Hank stared at me.

"Also, you walk like a girl and you throw like a sissy," she replied after a moment's hesitation.

"I... walk... like... a... girl.  How exactly do I do that?"

"I don't know.  Something about how your hips swish."

Godddddddaaaaaaammmmmmmn!  Of course the most astonishing thing about this conversation was that it was probably my favorite part of my weekend.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lordy lordy, how I love Hank. For some reason she makes me think that she must be like the wife in the T.V. show " Mad about you ". Long may she reign. And glad to see you back at your quill.

Mike said...

Having never watched Mad About You, I can't comment on her Helen Huntness, but she does seem to get in her fair share of zingers.

Anonymous said...

Great post, especially "married to a ruminant".

--Pablo

Mya said...

Chewing like a cow is OK. If you chewed like a rodent, that would be really annoying. By extension, being a ruminant means you are ruminative - who doesn't like thoughtful types?
Mya x

Mike said...

Pablo, thanks! Figured you needed a blog post to occupy you during Leonarda's absence.

Mya, I'm not sure it's ever ok to chew like a cow. And I'm now horrified about the fact that I chew gum often during the workday.

paulo1 said...

the clock is ticking !!!