Sunday, May 22, 2011

There's a mirror in our dining room right across from the chair I normally sit in. It's been there for years, so it wasn't very unusual that I was able to see myself during lunch yesterday.

I took a bite of chicken and caught a glimpse of myself chewing in the mirror.  I noticed that my jaw wasn't going straight up and down, but made a slight circular motion as I chewed.  I had never seen anything quite like it.  Well, that's not exactly true, it was vaguely reminiscent of a cow chewing its cud.

"Oh my god!"  I blurted out to Hank and Daisy, "Look how weird I'm chewing!"

"Yeah?  So?" asked Hank

"Have I ALWAYS chewed this way?  Like a cow??" I asked incredulously.

"Yes.  That's just the way you chew," she answered very matter-of-factly, as though it was perfectly normal to be married to a ruminant.  Daisy nodded in agreement.

Note that I've been living in this body for more than 43 years now.  Although I'm not the world's most observant guy, I've spent a fair percentage of that time cataloguing my flaws from head to Frankentoe.  It is unfathomable to me that I've never noticed that I chew like a cow.

"And you never thought to mention this to me?!  You never thought to say, 'Hey, Mike, you chew in weird circles' ?"

"Well, really, it's a effective way for the teeth to grind up food," Hank offered helpfully.

"YES, IF YOU'RE A COW CHEWING GRASS!  Let me watch you guys chew!" I demanded.

Hank and Daisy then each demonstrated their chewing technique.  They chewed like humans.

"My god," I moaned, "I can't believe you never mentioned this.  Personally, I cherish each one of your flaws that I notice, knowing that I can lord them over you."

Hank stared at me.

"Also, you walk like a girl and you throw like a sissy," she replied after a moment's hesitation.

"I... walk... like... a... girl.  How exactly do I do that?"

"I don't know.  Something about how your hips swish."

Godddddddaaaaaaammmmmmmn!  Of course the most astonishing thing about this conversation was that it was probably my favorite part of my weekend.


Anonymous said...

Lordy lordy, how I love Hank. For some reason she makes me think that she must be like the wife in the T.V. show " Mad about you ". Long may she reign. And glad to see you back at your quill.

Mike said...

Having never watched Mad About You, I can't comment on her Helen Huntness, but she does seem to get in her fair share of zingers.

Anonymous said...

Great post, especially "married to a ruminant".


Mya said...

Chewing like a cow is OK. If you chewed like a rodent, that would be really annoying. By extension, being a ruminant means you are ruminative - who doesn't like thoughtful types?
Mya x

Mike said...

Pablo, thanks! Figured you needed a blog post to occupy you during Leonarda's absence.

Mya, I'm not sure it's ever ok to chew like a cow. And I'm now horrified about the fact that I chew gum often during the workday.

paulo1 said...

the clock is ticking !!!