I need a new way to swear in this blog. In the non-typing world, I swear with something approaching a sense of entitlement. I spray non-FCC-approved words around like an enraged monkey hurling feces, relying heavily on F--- and S---. My choice of curse words doesn't win me any points for creativity, but sometimes you have to stick with the classics. In this blog, however, I'm surprisingly reluctant to use those same words. I don't know why, but we have much psychoanalysis to do later, so let's move along.

In writing I'm inclined to use expressions like "Christ!", "Jesus!", or "Holy crap!" to express surprise or horror, but that really makes no sense for an agnostic. Frankly, the entire concept of holy crap is a bit beyond me. So, I need something new, some way to swear without invoking religion or the naughty naughty words. In this post, I'll try out a few ones (in italics, for easy spotting).

Why do I need curse words today? How else can I describe the abysmal and humorless day that I had yesterday?

Giant elephant nuts! Trying to go a whole day without joking was REALLY HARD! First off, I failed. By my count, I made about 4 jokes yesterday. One on instant messenger and three others with the family. The rest of the day was filled with answers like:

"Yes, that sounds nice."
"Agreed, that would be an unpleasant thing to insert in my anus."
"GRRRR...I HAVE A FUNNY RETORT, BUT I CANNOT MAKE IT!"

Secondly, I'm just not an interesting guy without the thin veneer of humor that coats much of my communication. What do non-smart-asses talk about all day? The weather? Ripping duct tape off a hairy ass, that's boring.

Finally, I found the day to be very depressing. I felt more and more listless and demoralized as the day went on. By the end of my work day, I was in some sort of seriousness coma (note, not an actual medical condition).

So, what did I learn from my day?

1) Approximately 52% of my self esteem is tied up in my ability to craft humor.
2) Approximately 75% of the thoughts that spew from me, are tainted by Outgoing Humor Filter.
3) Dead babies, yesterday sucked.

And what did I learn from today's experiment at trying to come up with new ways to express surprise and anger? I learned it wasn't funny! Should have done this yesterday