Sunday, April 02, 2017

I've been unemployed for 8 (glorious) weeks now. Although I've earned a few bucks from some part-time consulting, it's time to start looking for a big boy job. Me big boy!

I really really hate interviewing. I feel like one of my strengths as a human being is describing in painstaking detail all the things that I'm terrible at. Interviewing, as I've learned in the past, is apparently the opposite of this.

Also, during an interview, you're supposed to express puppy-like enthusiasm for whatever crappy corner of the business world the company is trying to "disrupt", as opposed to the cat-like disdain I actually feel. Conversations with hiring managers are supposed to go like this:

Hiring Manager: Why do you want to work for CyberMetricMarketers?
Me: I'm really passionate about this space! Obviously the total addressable market for marketing metrics is exploding and I'm literally pissing my pants with excitement about cyberizing it.

(or something like that)

Instead, the conversations go like this:

Hiring Manager:
 Why do you want to work for CyberMetricMarketers?
Me: Rumor has it that you pay people. I'd like to exchange my time and effort for your dollars. I think I can fake my way through this job.

I had a couple informal chats with the CEO and an engineer of a company in the "people analytics" space. When I was alone with the engineer, he said, "I know this isn't the most interesting business to be in."  I agreed but assured him that I had worked at way more boring companies. Sadly, that is true.

The one thing I think I am going to be honest about though, is the number of hours I'm willing to work in a typical week. The CEO I chatted with said they had great work-life balance at their company, not like those crazy 80-hour week startups, but rather a balanced 60-hour week! He seemed proud.

If I pursue that job, I'm going to explain that I will be the laziest employee in the office. We'll see how that goes over.

Really what I should do is send Hank on these interviews instead.

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