Wednesday, August 27, 2008

The new job is going ok. I get about 1% less useless with each passing day. If I were a competent data wrangler (cool title, eh?) at this point, I would make a nice graph showing you how my ignorance reduces over time. Instead, you get awkward sentences.

There are a few things that I don't like about my new job though. Here they are:

1) The alarm system scares the bejesus out of me. On my first day of work they walked me through the procedures for when and how to activate and deactivate the alarm system. The issue is that the first person in the door in the morning will set off the alarm and gets to deactivate it, and the last person out in the evening then reactivates it. These procedures involve access codes, list of phone numbers, and one drop of unicorn horn marrow. My big take-away from that lecture was not to be the first person to arrive or the last person to leave.

Next week, however, my daily schedule changes and I'll be arriving at the office at around 8:00am each day. To put this in perspective, since this is a San Francisco software startup, where some people routinely arrive at the office at 11:00am, my arrival time of 8:00am is the equivalent of arriving at 4:00am for a more typical office. It's a lock that I'll be setting off that alarm on a regular basis.

Look forward to hilarity.

2) It's been so long since I worked in an office, I had forgotten one of the things I hate most about it: taking a dump.

Man, I HATE taking a dump right next to someone in the next stall. Pooping is a private act for me, and those pseudo-walls that let you see the shoes of your co-pooper simply do not allow for enough privacy. I don't want someone to hear me pooping or even for anyone at the office to be aware that I have a sphincter. What I do on a toilet is not pretty. It is hard on the eyes, ears, nose, and soul.

In addition to the privacy issue, it's just plain nasty to have a shared bathroom. The other day I found what I can only pray was little bits of chocolate brownie on the floor. I was torn between being profoundly curious about why someone would eat chocolate brownies in the bathroom and being disgusted at the possibility that it was a less delicious substance.

Rumor has it that someone took a dump in the urinal a while back, so god knows what it really was.

And, to whoever left the magazine folded behind the toilet, thanks, but no thanks. I loves me some quality library time on the crapper, but reading YOUR magazine? Nuh uh. Unless you can provide me with a certificate as to your wiping ability and maybe some documentation on the provenance of the magazine, I'll take a pass.


Will said...

Posting about nasty workplace bathroom stall experiences. Why didn't I think of that!?

Mrs. T. said...

I've had the cops out to 'check me out' a few times as in 18 years I've never figured out the IQ test that is a school security system.

The only thing worse than the work/stall problem is the Two Bathrooms in the Office problem we have at school. 40 teachers. Two adult bathrooms. So not only do you get the fun you mentioned, but there is a line listening and waiting.

Oh and my water broke during lunch recess in one of them when I was pregnant (well technically at that point I guess in labor) with Mary.

Don't forget the well timed courtesy flush. I think you've added to your bathroom lore with the sparkly undies.


Jen said...

After rejoining the corporate world four months ago I realized why I got out of it in the first place...and just extracted myself today. Woohoo! I didn't have a problem with the bathrooms since I was the only woman on the floor and therefore had the whole place to myself. Occasionally I would enter to find a woman hiding in the bathroom from another floor.
Creepy. She probably couldn't stand the cube farm either.

Sue said...

Wonder if there is some axiom about alarms: the likelihood of setting one off is in direct proportion to one's fear/anxiety about setting it off.

Mike said...

Will, because you have self respect and self restraint.

Meg, yeah, I can only hope that I've left a few pieces of glitter behind for the next guest to wonder about.

Jen, let me know if the bathrooms are more pleasant in the non-corporate world, but I'm guess that as a woman, you have little idea about how bad a men's room can be.

yajeev said...

mike, i'm with you on becoming about 1% less useless everyday (at least on my good days). it's been a hard coupla weeks at my new job, and your post made me laugh harder than anything i've seen or read in a while. thanks!

Mike said...

Sue, that's similar to how dogs always approach the person most fearful of them.

Yajeev, my pleasure. Hang in there and soon you can be only 80% useless like me.

Mike said...

Sue, that's similar to how dogs always approach the person most fearful of them.

Yajeev, my pleasure. Hang in there and soon you can be only 80% useless like me.

Avery Gray said...

For someone so supremely proud of his mad farting skillz, I would have had you pegged as an open pooper.

Hehe...I said open pooper. You can thank me for all the Google hits later.


ciara said...

lmao @ taking a dump

i usually wait to get home UNLESS it's an emergency and that includes peeing LOL i should say that's in regards to public restrooms..i guess if i worked in an office, i would try my best, but more than likely would have to use it at the office :-/

Mike said...

Avery, "pooper" is the least of my google worries. I get plenty of "penis" referrals as it is.

Ciara, I had a buddy who used to drive home every time he had to take a dump at work. He lived about 10 minutes away, I think. I suspect that won't work for me with my nearly 30 minute commute.