Monday, December 04, 2006

One of the advantages of working at home is not having to interact with society. People creep me out. Today, however, despite it being the beginning of holiday shopping season, I felt compelled to go to the mall and buy some socks. My feet, you see, are often cold during winter, and I recently discovered the joys of Smartwool socks. They are warm and cozy and my sweet little tootsies love them. So, I went to buy more because like all civilized men, I am a slave to the cozy tootsie.

My favorite moment at the mall actually came when I was driving home. I saw some poor fellow running across the street to try and catch his train before it left. Due to his unfortunate choice of pants style, his trousers dropped down to his knees as he ran through the intersection. After a few steps, he was reduced to an awkward shuffle while simultaneously holding up his pants. He barely made his train.

I roared in.... uh.... sympathetic laughter.

Now, I've mocked this loose-pants fashion trend before, but it bears an additional mock round.

I totally understand that fashion often defies practicality. We've all seen pre-ripped pants and pants that are way too tight, but this too-loose style may be the first fashion trend that actually impairs the very limbs it seeks to cover. What other piece of everyday clothing actually prevents your body from functioning?

It would be like wearing shirts that pressed your elbows into your torso. You'd be reduced to flapping your lower arms around like a panicked flightless bird.

Or maybe like wearing floppy shoes that were so big that they interfered with each other, ensuring that you tripped with each and every step.

Or sunglasses that squirted acid into your retinas.

Or a hat that kept your head toasty warm WHILE EATING YOUR BRAIN.

That's what those stupid pants are like. What's even more annoying is that theoretically fashion is one of the factors that attracts a mate. So, these idiots with motion-impairing pants are potentially MORE likely to attract a mate than people with normal pants.

And that's why I like working at home.


Velvet Sacks said...

Last week I saw two guys walking through town together, each wearing those baggy pants and each with one hand firmly attached to his crotch. The next day I saw another one doing the same thing. Should I assume they were merely holding their pants up to avoid exposing themselves and offending the general public? Or should I assume they figured out the one way they could make their falling-down pants even more offensive?

I think it's fairly clear why these guys had time to walk the streets in the middle of the day. They obviously work at home and were on their way to buy socks.

carey said...

I think the only way a falling-down-pants type would attract more mates than a securely-attached pants type is if his pants actually fell down to reveal a huge and prominent surprise.

Otherwise, they just look sloppy.

chess h said...

No comment on the baggypants except to say that as I sign that I'm getting old and crotchety, the impulse to yell "pull your pants up" is becoming harder and harder to resist each time I see that.

But I also discovered smartwool socks last winter, and I never thought I'd be so damn happy with socks in all my life. I wore them in summer when playing roller hockey too; they breathe!

I think we should start a fan club.

mox said...

Baggy Pants Hate was my first signal that I was getting older. I see a kid walking around with his pants all droopy and I want to yell "pull your pants up, you look stupid!"

I think I need to adjust my hearing aid now.

~sigh~ These kids today....

Mike said...

VS, I hope they were also buying cute underwear.

Carey, if they look sloppy to you, then you are old.

Chess, we could start an I-love-Smartwool fan club, OR we could start an I-hate-cotton hate club. Hate clubs are more fun.

Mox, "Baggy Pants Hate". I like it. Finally, us old people have our own Internet lingo acronym. BPH.