Saturday, December 02, 2006

Smart Aleck Theater - Saturday, December 2nd

Act 1 -- Jokes Gone Awry

Scene: It's Saturday afternoon and Mike is in his backyard, futilely plucking Oxalis stalks from his lawn. The fact that it's more like an Oxalis lawn with bits of grass is not lost upon him. Meanwhile, his garden-savvy neighbor spies Mike from over the fence.

Neighbor: Hey Mike. Are you pulling Oxalis?
Me: Yes. Grrrrr.
Neighbor: I recently bought some weed spray that's supposed to work on Oxalis.
Me: I don't think there is such a thing.
Neighbor: Well, it says it kills Oxalis, and I tried it, and it seems to work.
Me: *perking up* Are you serious?
Neighbor: Yeah. Seems worth trying, unless you're bothered by herbicides.
Me: I'd do anything to get rid of this Oxalis. I'd kill small children.
Neighbor: *blinking*
Me: Well, ha ha, not MY small child, obviously. Someone else's small child.
Neighbor: You could just borrow my weed spray.
Me: Ok.

Act 2 -- The Smart Alecker Becomes The Smart Aleckee

Scene: Later on Saturday afternoon at the Safeway checkout line. Mike finishes loading his groceries onto the conveyor and faces the cashier

Me: Hi. And, no, I don't need any help out today.
Cashier: You look like you do.
Me: What? I what!? Geez! I'm just trying to save you guys a little time here, and I get nothing but flack.
Cashier: Life's like that. There's flack, and taxes and death.
Me: Well, I've lived a rich full life. I'm ready for death.
Cashier: *making surprisingly realistic sound effect of a bullet shooting through the air into my body, then looking down at my feet, as though I had fallen onto the floor* Man, that was fast.
Me: That WAS fast. You guys are very efficient killers.
Cashier: We try.
Bagger: Do you need some help out today, sir?

Act 3 -- The Beginning of the End

Scene: Saturday evening. Hank is preparing dinner while Mike tidies the kitchen. Mike spies her usage of the cheese grater, one of the many kitchen implements which is exceedingly difficult to clean.

Me: You know what I hate?
Hank: What?
Me: Cheese graters.
Hank: You know what I love?
Me: What?
Hank: Grated cheese.
Me: At least we won't have to be one of those couples who uses the generic "Irreconcilable Differences" phrase. We've really homed in on it.


Kat said...

Even the grocery store checker is getting the better of you? Time for some new material, Mike, or don't give up your day job. This was funny!

chess h said...

man, I long for the simple days when cashiers would air-shoot me... I got carded today trying to buy perrier. AGAIN.

And as to the cheese grater conundrum, I was going to work in some sort of greater-lesser pun, but have since thought better of it... so I got nothin. Happy weekend!

Mike said...

Kat, I get to be a smart aleck during my day job, so it all works out.

Chess, you must get the good kind of Perrier where you live.