Smart Aleck Theater - Saturday, December 2nd
Act 1 -- Jokes Gone Awry
Scene: It's Saturday afternoon and Mike is in his backyard, futilely plucking Oxalis stalks from his lawn. The fact that it's more like an Oxalis lawn with bits of grass is not lost upon him. Meanwhile, his garden-savvy neighbor spies Mike from over the fence.
Neighbor: Hey Mike. Are you pulling Oxalis?
Me: Yes. Grrrrr.
Neighbor: I recently bought some weed spray that's supposed to work on Oxalis.
Me: I don't think there is such a thing.
Neighbor: Well, it says it kills Oxalis, and I tried it, and it seems to work.
Me: *perking up* Are you serious?
Neighbor: Yeah. Seems worth trying, unless you're bothered by herbicides.
Me: I'd do anything to get rid of this Oxalis. I'd kill small children.
Me: Well, ha ha, not MY small child, obviously. Someone else's small child.
Neighbor: You could just borrow my weed spray.
Act 2 -- The Smart Alecker Becomes The Smart Aleckee
Scene: Later on Saturday afternoon at the Safeway checkout line. Mike finishes loading his groceries onto the conveyor and faces the cashier
Me: Hi. And, no, I don't need any help out today.
Cashier: You look like you do.
Me: What? I what!? Geez! I'm just trying to save you guys a little time here, and I get nothing but flack.
Cashier: Life's like that. There's flack, and taxes and death.
Me: Well, I've lived a rich full life. I'm ready for death.
Cashier: *making surprisingly realistic sound effect of a bullet shooting through the air into my body, then looking down at my feet, as though I had fallen onto the floor* Man, that was fast.
Me: That WAS fast. You guys are very efficient killers.
Cashier: We try.
Bagger: Do you need some help out today, sir?
Act 3 -- The Beginning of the End
Scene: Saturday evening. Hank is preparing dinner while Mike tidies the kitchen. Mike spies her usage of the cheese grater, one of the many kitchen implements which is exceedingly difficult to clean.
Me: You know what I hate?
Me: Cheese graters.
Hank: You know what I love?
Hank: Grated cheese.
Me: At least we won't have to be one of those couples who uses the generic "Irreconcilable Differences" phrase. We've really homed in on it.