Monday, September 18, 2006

When I was a kid my parents watched 60 Minutes every Sunday night. I'd always watch the last 5 minutes of it with them to see Andy Rooney's weekly curmudgeonly diatribe.

For those of you who aren't familiar with Andy Rooney, he's kind of a caricature of a grumpy old man. His rants often start out something like this:

"These days medicines seem to cause more things than they cure."

or maybe

"Why are the cleaning instructions for my reading glasses so small?"

Some days I feel like I'm turning into Andy Rooney. Today is one of those days.

I hate my new toothbrush.

First off, there's a slight angle in the handle about two and a half inches away from the bottom of the handle. I can't really comfortably hold the toothbrush with that inadequate 2.5 inch length of handle. I like to have a firm grasp on my toothbrush. I brush vigorously and you don't want that baby flying javelin-style through the house.

Secondly, apparently someone has decided that toothbrushes need more features. Mine has a tongue scrubber on the other side of the bristles. This is really annoying. Now, when I brush my teeth, the inside of my cheeks get inadvertently rubbed and scraped by this useless feature. You know what, Colgate people? Every toothbrush I've ever owned already had the ability to brush my tongue. You know those bristles? They can brush tongues too! You want to add stuff to my toothbrush? How about ANYTHING more useful, like maybe a bellybutton squeegee or even an eardrum puncturer.

Also, I wanted a blue toothbrush. I like blue.

Meanwhile, as I rapidly approach total curmudgeonry, my mother is going in the opposite direction. Yesterday I taught her how to send a text message. Today I taught her to type, "C U L8R". Tomorrow, she's a h4x0r


Anonymous said...

Okay, still unable to post as me. Well, I, too, am not a fan of the newer more progressive toothbrushes, and I like solid red, not red and white, or red and pink, but red. I also want no rubber in the middle, my gums don't need rubbing with rubber, I can do it with the bristles, they are good gums. So, I agree with you. There are a few things that don't need messed with, like, toothbrushes, hair brushes, toilet paper rolls, and shoe spoons. I insist that no one mess with the toilet paper roll. For those who have, shame on you. zelda

carey said...

Another previously adequate bathroom appliance is the razor, which they keep adding more and more blades to...reminds me of that old SNL skit. And whose idea was it to make the thing VIBRATE? That seems totally at odds with its alleged function.

Siôn said...

I must disagree with zelda on the toilet paper. The toilet paper with aloe vera is very sothing. Especially after a night (well, week really) on the tiles when it's like a Japanese flag down there.

Mike said...

Zelda, exactly.

Carey, I stare at the vibrating razor sometimes in the store. It seems so absurd, it MUST work.

Siôn, that Japanese flag metaphor is the funniest thing I've heard all day. It is early though.

patsy said...

andy rooney is a funny guy and alot of his rants make good sence.
i bet he wouldnt pick up trash along the highways either.

Mike said...

Patsy, I bet he wouldn't argue that it's better for trash to be spread around either.

Janelle Renee said...

I watched 60 minutes as a kid, too. I found the big clock fascinating.

Leesa said...

Okay.. what is h4x0r? And I thought I was hip.

Mike said...

JR, that's odd.

Leesa, oh, you're plenty hip, just not as geeky as me. "h4x04" is a lame term for "hacker". The 4 kind of looks like an A, the zero stands in for the O, and the X is just there for obfuscation.

patsy said...

you are probably right about rooney. maybe we could save on trash if you stopped shaving.

Mike said...

Patsy, ok, but you first.

Leesa said...

Ok, thanks.
Now I have to go look up obfuscation ;)

patsy said...

i have hair on my chin being of the age when a woman grows hair but being a blonde gentile, it doesn't show much and when they get long i just tweezer them out. never did shave my legs under under arms or any where else for that matter. being a bare foot arkansas has advantages.
i aways have to look up that stupid word gentile, can't spell anything. i alway get a laugh out of the meaning, say a christian, not a jew or mormon. i think you could be a gentile and not christian.i thought it meant descendant of japhet oh well !