Thursday, June 08, 2006

My daughter's class held a poetry reading yesterday at lunch. I cut out of work to soak in a little first grade culture.

Each kid got up, performed their readings, and then sat back down with their classmates. Parents clapped supportively. Everything was going according to plan.

Midway through the hour a fart ripped through the room. All the students around Daisy whipped around and looked accusingly at her. She shrugged her shoulders in a delicate admission of guilt and smiled sheepishly. Her classmates laughed and silently pointed at her. Daisy's smile turned to a frown and she quietly urged them to quit teasing her. The teacher soon noticed the disturbance and told everyone to sit quietly.

As it turns out, this is a frequent occurrence for Daisy. Like her old man, she's a farter. Although this is an entertaining attribute for me, a work-at-home guy, it's a cause for ridicule for sweet Daisy.

I can only assume that something in her diet is causing all the flatulence. However, due to all her allergies, her diet is already fairly restricted. No dairy, no eggs, and no nuts. I'm reluctant to start removing even more foods in the hopes of reducing the fart problem. So, rather than address the root cause, I decided a different approach was required.

"Daisy," I declared at dinner yesterday, "I've been thinking about your farts."

She eyed me, warily.

"Do you know how to fart silently? So that no one knows you farted?"

"No...." she said curiously, "How do you do that?"

"STOP THIS!" Hank yelled. "You're just doing this so that you have something to write about in y our blog!"

"That's not true. Farting silently is an important part of etiquette. Now, Daisy, gather 'round. Let your ol' poppy impart some wisdom."

So, I schooled her in the basics. We covered the following important techniques.

1) The One Cheek - This is the bread and butter of school farting, where students are often forced to sit for long periods of time. It involves shifting your weight over to one butt cheek and lifting the other cheek slightly. Then, once the .... uh.... anus is partially dilated, you release the fart. It should emerge quietly now that it does not have to squeeze out between clenched cheeks. Then, once the smell is noticed, you merely have to deny deny deny when accusing fingers start pointing.

2) The Dribbler - This technique involves letting the fart out a tiny bit at a time. You clench, holding it in, and then release for an instant, letting out a tiny bit of fart. Ideally these mini-farts can be timed to coincide with some other noises. If not, you just have to be experienced enough to make them quiet. This requires practice. In the best case scenario, the stink is let out slowly enough so that no one notices.

3) The Disappearing Act - The advantage of this technique is that it disperses the smell, but it can only be performed if you're allowed to walk around. The idea is to let out the fart, silently, as you walk through a crowd. By the time someone smells it, you're long gone. Unfortunately, letting out a silent fart while walking is hard to teach. Once again, this requires practice. It's worth it though.

Daisy listened quietly as I explained the options, focusing on the One Cheek as her top school option.

"OR, you could just excuse yourself and go to the bathroom," Hank interrupted.

"I think I'll just hold them in," Daisy said, exasperated.

Parenting is hard.


The Tart said...

Dear Hank ... although Mike is funny (and he really is) walk over & pop him on the head. Hmm, then follow up with a big kiss. Rest assured paybacks R hell & I am sure when Daisy is in her teens her blog will match this post of his ~ I am hoping she gets his wit fm the gene pool too! ; )

Mike, U crazy guy! Am going to make sure Rrramone reads this. Too funny!

The Tart
; )

zelda1 said...

Or you can go to the pharmacy and buy gas x for children. They actually have drops and they taste nice and it will keep her from farting and from holding it until her little belly cramps. Buy it, and she will be much happier. One or two drops after each meal, no more farts or SBD ones either. My son, too, has and had a problem with flatuence and I gave him the gas x treatment and his teachers thanked me from the bottom of their hearts. Now, well, he refuses to corral those loud noises and I spend a lot of money on candles and sprays.

Mike said...

Jocelyn, I am not making fun of Daisy. Instead, I am giving her the tools that are required to navigate through the public school system without becoming an object of ridicule. These are life skills!

Zelda1, that's a really good idea. I'll check into it. Thanks!

Pensive Turtle said...

Fucking FUNNY!!! I am a huge fan if the "one-cheek-sneak" myself. Especially since my relationship is new enough that I still don't fart in front of HIM (yet). Definitely hard to deny the smell though, when there are only two of us. Perhaps I should buy a dog?

Great post!

Mike said...

A dog! I like it! Blame it on those who cannot speak for themselves. It's a classic strategy.

Velvet Sacks said...

One of mine mastered the art of stealth farting years ago. She's grown now and could easily get away with blaming it on the closest nearby dog--except she usually starts giggling and gives herself away. Good luck with your little farter.

Mike said...

VS, when Daisy masters the stealth fart, I will know that I have succeeded as a parent.

The Tart said...

Mike ... help I need popcorn advice! Stop by my place, please. Many thx.

The Tart
; )

BTW, I have always thought U have been the best Pop! That's what the kiss above was for, natch! (beep)

Lyco said...

Hehe, if only my parents had given me such advice, my last exam series would have gone much smoother.

Mike said...

Jocelyn, ok, I posted my meager popcorn knowledge to your purty blog.

Lyco, yeah, farting isn't so conducive for test taking. It's pretty good for running though. Makes me feel jet-powered.

The Tart said...

Mike please tell Hank many thanks for the popcorn tips! The great news is that I had bought Orville Redenbacher kernals!!!!

Buttery smoochez,
The "POP" Tart
; )

kazumi said...

Hugo is only 18 months old and already fascinated with farting. He thinks it's hilarious, tries to squeeze them out all the time to the point where he's red in the face and requires a nappy change.

I think I'll have to refer him to this blog entry when he's older....

Tonya said...

I wish that someone had taught me these skills when I was a kid.

Mike said...

Jocelyn, will do!

Kazumi, Hugo is obviously very advanced for his age. You should be proud.

Tonya, it's never too late. Don't you work at a University? Surely they have a class in this.

Rrramone said...

Mike, a few more for you to ponder:

THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for
some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd
and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has
farted an Anticipated Fart.

THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It
is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be
concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud.
But its odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around
in a car. And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat?

THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in
identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before
daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort
of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that
has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it
sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.

THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic
is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to
have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly
common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it
can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike
the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently
held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go
right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world
of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no
point in describing this far any further.

THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter
is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push
their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and
ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after.
Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people.

THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart
that fails. For this reason it is stricly a group one identification
fart, because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody
else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts.
In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.

THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is
not some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand
Canyon. The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a
two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second
tone. Like an echo.

THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of
farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have
not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the
most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to
be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house.
You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that
only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something
that happens to smell like a fart.

THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What
happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at
the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will
usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no
reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old
person's fart as there is.

THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles,
grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a
single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether
pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart
in the World Fart.

THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the
john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the wound, whatever
it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john
amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD FART: The heaviets of all farts. It sounds like a dropped
ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart
that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could
be missed altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And
never guess.

THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively
identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls.
No other food works this way. It is rare.

THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of
all farts - a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh
My God Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first
want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About
the only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will
just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to
spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The
person who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food
he eats even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may
even ask if you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells.
It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in
agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you
fart, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you
have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its
pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all
farts. It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a
sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is
its length. It is the longest-lasting fart there is. It will
sometimes leave the farter unable to speak. As though he has had the
wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for
at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters
is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted.
Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.

THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known
to man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of
its own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is.
It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day
in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible
for a fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make.
The Rusty Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier
if it had been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.

THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no
doubt one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of
identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not
amount to much. You should remember that if you reach back and
scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.

THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter.
Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric
skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very
impressive. Not too common.

THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim
it is even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The
Sonic Boom Fart is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows.
This is ridiculous. No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles
windows. A fart that could do that would put the farter into orbit or
blow his crazy head off.

THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It
is the wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a
fart at all.

THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a
very funny fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound
is best described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is
usually a forced-out far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and
only gets farted after considerable effort.

THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied
than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes
hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around
after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all.
A very good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all.
You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind
is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart.
You look around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone.
Then you get out of there.

THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to
identify. Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled
this is the fart for you.

Mike said...

Rrramone, I did not realize you were such a flatulence scholar! Bravo! Now, if you can come up with a comparable list of ways to AVOID being pegged as a farter, then I'll be truly impressed.