The year my daughter, Daisy, was born was the worst year of my life.
The year she was one year old was the second worst year of my life.
The year she was two years old was the third worst year of my life.
As you can see, this was a positive progression. Somewhere along the line, things changed from "one of the worst years of my life" into good times. This change probably occurred around when I started getting a good night sleep again. After many years of Daisy waking up multiple times each night, it took me a long time to reestablish a semi-healthy sleep pattern
The positive progression is still continuing. She'll turn seven this summer and each year of her life has still been better than the last. Not every day is golden, mind you, (in fact the last week has been a little rough) but the overall trend is sunshine and chocolate chip cookies.
However, I'm no fool. I know this pattern will end some time, probably when she's an age ending in "teen". Hell, she's a rather precocious child, so that day could come a little early. It might even come tomorrow.
This is why I've undertaken a new plan. It's a very clever yet simple plan.
Have you ever heard of Smile Therapy? It's the idea that if you force a smile on your face, you will essentially fool yourself into being happier. The brain can't help but respond to what the body is doing. I've adapted this approach to my Daisy "problem".
In order to prevent her from growing up any further, I have instituted a ritual known as the "Daily Smooshing".
It's quite simple really. Once each day, I press onto her head and shoulders, smooshing her down. If her body can't grow, then she can't age. Ta dah! Brilliant, no? Yes.
Some of you may suggest that perhaps this breakthough in aging-suppression will come at a spinal-compression cost. That might be true, but I can easily fund those chiropractic visits with the money I'm saving by not having to constantly replace clothes that she outgrows. Did you really think that I hadn't thought this through?
Part B of this plan involves taking away all her sources of calcium and introducing the "Daily Pack of Cigarettes". I figure we'll start with menthols and then go from there. Baby steps.
I look forward to a lifetime of joy with my growth-stunted child.