Wednesday, June 07, 2006

The year my daughter, Daisy, was born was the worst year of my life.

The year she was one year old was the second worst year of my life.

The year she was two years old was the third worst year of my life.

As you can see, this was a positive progression. Somewhere along the line, things changed from "one of the worst years of my life" into good times. This change probably occurred around when I started getting a good night sleep again. After many years of Daisy waking up multiple times each night, it took me a long time to reestablish a semi-healthy sleep pattern

The positive progression is still continuing. She'll turn seven this summer and each year of her life has still been better than the last. Not every day is golden, mind you, (in fact the last week has been a little rough) but the overall trend is sunshine and chocolate chip cookies.

However, I'm no fool. I know this pattern will end some time, probably when she's an age ending in "teen". Hell, she's a rather precocious child, so that day could come a little early. It might even come tomorrow.

This is why I've undertaken a new plan. It's a very clever yet simple plan.

Have you ever heard of Smile Therapy? It's the idea that if you force a smile on your face, you will essentially fool yourself into being happier. The brain can't help but respond to what the body is doing. I've adapted this approach to my Daisy "problem".

In order to prevent her from growing up any further, I have instituted a ritual known as the "Daily Smooshing".

It's quite simple really. Once each day, I press onto her head and shoulders, smooshing her down. If her body can't grow, then she can't age. Ta dah! Brilliant, no? Yes.

Some of you may suggest that perhaps this breakthough in aging-suppression will come at a spinal-compression cost. That might be true, but I can easily fund those chiropractic visits with the money I'm saving by not having to constantly replace clothes that she outgrows. Did you really think that I hadn't thought this through?

Part B of this plan involves taking away all her sources of calcium and introducing the "Daily Pack of Cigarettes". I figure we'll start with menthols and then go from there. Baby steps.

I look forward to a lifetime of joy with my growth-stunted child.


Moral Turpitude said...


Sleep Goblin said...

Is this where the beeps are collected??


Janelle Renee said...


Mike said...

What I can't figure out is how all these computers got past the Word Verification. Tricksy little bastards.

carey said...

Hey let me know if that works, ok? I've been using plain ol' guilt to thwart the boys' growth, and that ain't working.

chess h said...

It works; it's been done before. Lucy used to do that to Linus back in the day, and he never did get rid of that blanket.

The Tart said...

OK, this is one of your best posts to date ... never mind that you may make millions off this scheme & write a fabulous book!

Onward, smoosh~ward ... to thwart teenhood!

Smooch & a beep,
The Tart
; )

BTW, now I want chocolate chip cookes ... badly!

Mike said...

Carey, my technique has to work. It's based on science!

Chess, that's good news. Now I won't have to feel like such a blockhead.

Jocelyn, writing a book sounds hard. Can I just have the millions anyway?

dolface said...

don't forget to add the daily cup(s) of coffee to the growth-stunting mix.

it worked for me.

sidenote: the captchas seem to be getting more complicated. mine said "aiswezdc" this time.

i'm prett sure it's welsh (again).

Mike said...

Dolface, I can't WAIT to send Daisy to elementary school reeking of coffee and cigarettes. And I think you're right about the captchas. They do seem longer.