Monday, June 12, 2006

Dear Lawn,

It's not you. It's me. It's my fault.

When you came into my life, you were so lush and green, and bursting with sod-ful innocence. You made me want to be the kind of man who could take care of you and nurture you. In return, I looked forward to years of beholding your verdant beauty. Our relationship would bloom!

Relationships take effort though. A buttload of effort, apparently. :(

This open letter is my apology to you, Lawn. When you were innocently planted into my backyard, and I promised my wife that I could care for you all by my bad self, I was maybe a little bit wrong. I thought that our relationship was different and unique and that we could survive on love alone, instead of all that water and fertilizer nonsense. That turned out to be a bit naive perhaps. My bad.

I knew things had taken a turn for the worse a few weeks ago, when you were barely visible under all the oxalis. You looked so helpless.

Thankfully, some sunshine came along and dried out the evil oxalis. Once it began to wither, I sprang into action. I hacked through the dead oxalis, eager to rescue you. I cut, and raked, and stuffed armfuls of dead weeds into the garbage. I couldn't wait to see you again!

As it turns out, however, I was a little late, and you were a little dead.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sorry. So so so sorry. But I haven't given up. I look forward to resurrecting you and then letting you sort of die all over again. That's just the kind of relationship we have, I guess, the kind where you die a lot.

I have learned one thing though. The reason why the proverbial grass is always greener on the other side of the fence is because my neighbors aren't lazy bastards like me.

Love always,


zelda1 said...

Oh my, Mike, the grass, well, it's all dead! I should let you tend to my yard for a year and let you kill it off. I would love to not have to pay a gardener to keep my lawn mowed and my bushes cut and trimmed. That money could be spent on better things like books or beer. How did it happen? Oxtails, oh my, send me the seeds.

Leesa said...

My condolences.

The Tart said...

One question ~ are U in a tree taking this picture? ; )

The Tart

BTW ... I had yummy popcorn for lunch! Thx Hank!

Janelle Renee said...

May you have zombie grass!

Janelle Renee said...

May? I think I meant:

Maybe you have zombie grass?

But "May you have zombie grass" sounds like a nice sentiment, too.

Mike said...

Zelda, pave it.

Leesa, thank you.

Jocelyn, no, we have a small upper deck. I'm on that.

jr, I'm going with "May you have zombie grass." I like that a lot.

Velvet Sacks said...

Reminds me of a bare lawn we had one year when we lived on a lake in Georgia. My husband invested in a fairly expensive kind of grass seed and spent all morning scattering the seed "just so." A couple of hours later, we looked out and saw about 30 mallard ducks waddling around the yard and eating grass seed as fast they could. My message is that sometimes grass just isn't meant to be. Just remember your grass when it was alive and happy, and try to move on. Sorry, though.

tinyhands said...

You are an Extreme Home Makeover waiting to happen.

Mike said...

VS, thanks. I'll try to focus on our brief happy times together.

Tiny, don't forget Queer Eye For The Straight Yet Somewhat Effeminate Guy!