Tuesday, March 14, 2006

An Open Letter to the Crazy Bad Breath Lady:

Dearest Crazy Bad Breath Lady,

As you know, I took Daisy to Tae Kwon Do class today. I got there before you and settled into my seat. It was much more crowded today, but there were two empty seats between me and the next person, some pretentious all-black wearing poser. I didn't deliberately leave an empty seat open to me, but the other choice would have been to squish between two strangers in the other row. Given that I hate, you know, people, I gravitated towards the empty area.

You came in with your son a few moments later. As you strode across the room, our eyes met briefly and we smiled at each other. You came towards where I was sitting and....kept going. You settled into the seat RIGHT NEXT TO poser guy and immediately started gabbing with him.

Poser guy?!?!?! He was wearing cowboy boots!

Oh, crazy bad breath lady, what happened? What about the connection we shared? What about you being sort of crazy and me recognizing that, but tactfully not mentioning it? Was that not a special bond?

It's hard being dumped by a woman I hardly knew, but it seems to have come to this. It's even harder having to crawl back to Hank with my penis tucked between my legs. (Seriously, it is hard to crawl that way).

So, next time, don't be all sitting next to me, and breathing on me, and gabbing away, no matter how fresh your breath might be. You could eat a gum factory and there would still be no room in my heart for you. This thing we shared, the you-being-crazy-and-me-politely-not-mentioning, it's over! Well, maybe that part isn't over. I'm not going to tell you that you're crazy, but our special love is no more. Poof! Gone.

Love,
Mike

ps. I liked your hat

pps. Goodbye.

8 comments:

zelda1 said...

The nerve of that halitosian! If ever she comes crawling back to you, shake your head back and forth, not up and down, hand her a listerine mint and the name of a good doctor for crazies, and immediately move to another bench. She must be taught a lesson. IN my opinion, you are much better off, you know the breathing in good air as opposed to the foul air of the halitosian crazy. But, better luck next time. Maybe you, too, should invest in a hat or cap or maybe a cap. Yes, a cap. Those are so stunning now days.

Mike said...

I'm not really one of those hat people, but maybe I'll make an exception here. Thanks!

Janelle Renee said...

Poor, poor Mike.

Want me to do a jealousy thing? Will that make you feel better?

Mike said...

I guess it couldn't hurt.

The Tart said...

You should take that little cup & fling some jello her way! It might help the hat, but then she might laugh, phew... never mind.

Go with JR's idea!

SMooch,
The Tart

Janelle Renee said...

I hear "pout" in your voice, Mike.

Sure, write a letter to stinky breath!

Hmm. I'm afraid that's the best I can do. My jealousy quotient is pretty low. Sorry, Mike.

Janelle Renee said...

Tart's jello idea is a good one, though. Go with that.

Mike said...

So, Tart says to go with JR's idea and JR says to go with Tart's. Tie breaker anyone?