Saturday, March 11, 2006

I took Daisy to Tae Kwon Do this afternoon and there was only one other student in the class. I sat in the back of the room, in the middle of a row of tightly spaced folding chairs. The other kid's mom sat a couple chairs away. She smiled warmly at me.

"Small class today," I said, whipping out my best I-can-interact-with-humans small talk.

The woman promptly scooted over RIGHT next to me and started to gab. Although I am a poor observer, I quickly noticed a few things about her. First, she was not hideous. Second, she was sitting very close to me. Throughout the remainder of class, she stayed close, occasionally brushing against me.

Naturally, I was consumed with the possibilities. Well, not ALL the possibilities. Ok, really just one possibility. Telling my wife. I couldn't wait to get home and brag to Hank.

I tried to commit my conversation with the woman to memory so that Hank could enjoy every minute of it. Unfortunately, I was soon distracted by a couple of odors. Not only was her breath a bit stale, but she also gave off the unmistakable stink of crazy. Not completely batty, but clearly a bit off. I decided I would bury this detail in the retelling.

After dinner, I discussed the class with Hank.

"There were only two kids today in Tae Kwon Do class. Just Daisy and Tim.", I said casually.

"Yeah, small classes on Saturdays sometimes."

"I chatted quite a bit with Tim's mom." I sputtered, unable to keep a lecherous grin off my face.

"Oh? How did that go for you?" Hank asked, .01% concerned and 99.99% bemused.

"Pretty well, actually. She's a touchy-feely gal. She sat VERY close to me during class," I bragged

"I see."

"But, I decided early on that I wasn't going to sleep with her."

"Well, I'm glad for you. I'd hate to see you investing all that time in a relationship only to make that decision later. That's very efficient."

"Ok, she smelled and I think she was crazy."

"Better luck next time."

I still got it.


zelda1 said...

Those are the same kind that I attract, only the male version. Bad or almost bad breathe and the crazies. Not enough to even brag about. Mr. Zelda, well he just laughs. I say, did you see that man look at me. He says, the one without any teeth. I say, he had no teeth. He says, yeah and one eye. I say, no, not that one, and hurridly walk away.

Mike said...

At least Mr. Zelda is there to see it. My wife has no proof that I'm not just making up these stories of near adultry

Janelle Renee said...

Your wife sounds very cool.

I wish you better luck next time, too. Whatever that means.

chess h said...

Take along a thing of tic-tacs next time. That way, when she nudges up close to you, you can offer her one or two fistfuls of them in self-defense. Plus, then you have DIRECT EVIDENCE that you've had a near-out-of-wedlock experience to show Hank.

Or maybe gum.

Mike said...

jr, she'd be cooler if she gave up a little of the jealousy that I beg for.

Chess, that is a super idea. Ideally I'd offer some gum/mints to my future mistress while taking one myself. Unfortunately, in this case I was already chomping on some gum.

rob said...

My wife told me that having a kid was good for more than just a tax break, but I didn't believe her. Now I see what she meant!

Mike said...

Rob, don't believe her. You'll still end up having less sex than before the kid, even with the tremendous amount of kid-enabled extra-marital fooling around.