Wednesday, March 15, 2006

I seem to have passed some arbitrary threshold recently and I'm getting more traffic from Google and Yahoo. Let's abuse this.

I've inspected the top recent search terms from Google, Yahoo, and Technorati, and consolidated my own 10 top list from those sources. I will now pass judgement on those things that appear to be currently occupying the hive mind. Clearly my opinion is sought.


My understanding is that there is some sort of basketball tournament this month involving U.S. colleges. Historical research indicates that this tournament used to occur in February and was referred to as February Foolishness. Before that, April Assinineness. I have no idea what they'll do now. My verdict? Boooooring.

2) American Idol

This is some sort of television show that does not involve political satire, outer space, or backstabbing alliances thus it falls under my radar. There is very little truth to the rumor that I slept repeatedly with Paula Abdul. I can, however, nearly confirm that Simon Cowell likes to have his butt bit. My verdict? Well, this is a very popular show. Then again, Bush was elected President twice in this nation....

3.14) Pi

I'm guessing this was a top term because March 14th can be written as 3.14, and is thus referred to as Pi Day. Pi is, of course, my favorite number of all time. For a long time I had the first 100 digits of it memorized, which prevented me from getting laid for a very long time. Now I just have a random 100 memorized. My verdict? Worth your searches!

4) World Baseball Classic

I love that they're calling this first-time tournament a classic. This is just like my six year-old daughter pronouncing some song she hears on Radio Disney as a classic. My verdict? It's appearance on this list is classic.

5) Peter Tomarken

Peter Tomarken??? I had to Google him myself. Apparently he was the host of a game show named Press Your Luck and he died two days ago while piloting a plane. Since he apparently was doing so as part of a charity effort, I will refrain from making the obligatory joke about him pressing his luck. Verdict? Somber.

6) Butik Batok

Ok, now I think these search engines are just making stuff up. Hang on..... Oh! It's some Singapore sex video! Well, this cements it. I am currently the only person that doesn't have a sex video circulating on the Internet. Verdict? Oh, Hank......

7) Natalie Portman

People are searching for her because there's a Saturday Night Live clip of her doing a hardcore comedy rap. It keeps getting removed for legal reasons and then reappearing. It's popular because it demonstrates one of the basic tenets of comedy: A fish out of water. See, she's a cute, petite, princessy gal who is rapping about sex and violence while saying naughty naughty words. Verdict? Not bad, but would have been funnier had she also slipped on a banana peel. Comedy gold.

8) Wafah Dufour

This one is great. Wafah is the niece of Osama bin laden. She's also an aspiring pop singer, a future reality TV star, and she likes to pose for provocative photos. Once I film my sex video with her, she'll have 100% coverage on the Internet. Verdict? Super star!

9) Isaac Hayes

This one is also great. So, Isaac is the voice of Chef on South Park. His character is known for his chocolate salty balls, sleeping with all the women of South Park, and his common sense. Isaac is now quitting the show, claiming that the writers have gone too far in their mockery of religion, that it has now crossed the line into bigotry and intolerance. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park, have retorted that Isaac didn't mind when they made fun of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or Mormonism. It was only when they took aim at Scientology that he became indignant. Isaac Hayes's religion? Scientology. Verdict? Hah! Hah, I say!

10) Britney Spears

Britney Spears is a worldwide fascination. Between her white trash husband, and her remarkably elastic breast size, she's a perennial top search topic. Personally, I'd rather look at or listen to cardboard. My verdict? She's a child.

Let the hits roll in.


The Tart said...

Mike, this post was better than Good Morning America for me! Please don't make fun of my morning show... it is simply for background noise while I paint my nails with glitter.

Would ya do a top 5 for tomorrow?

The Tart

Mike said...

Oh Jody, you know I would TOTALLY make fun of Good Morning America if only I knew the slightest thing about it. I'm betting it's some sort of TV show. In the morning. Maybe in....America? Good?

I support your morning ritual. Who am I to mock when I spend my days clutching a tiny coffee cup to my face?

Janelle Renee said...

Tart has great taste. Well, she does read my blog too, you know.

Great post.

So, when are you going to do something about that cup? It's smaller than a regular mug, yet too large to be an espresso cup.

And, I've been meaning to tell you. I think your lips are too pale a pink. Have you tried a shade of brown darker than your skin color?

(What can I say? I'm a designer. "Straight eye for guys married to a women named Hank." The next big TV hit!)

Mike said...

jr, Hank has never complained about the size of my mug. And I'm aware that my lips are too pink, but that was the best choice out of the ones given in the image-creator I used. Also, my eyes aren't that big in real life.

Janelle Renee said...

My apologizes, Mike. It's a very fine avatar. Feel free to pick apart mine.

Mike said...

jr, oh yeah? Well, your avatar smells like feet.

zelda1 said...

They have ball tournaments? What we need is another reality show, like maybe the life of blogger X. That would be interesting, hours and hours of serf and slam. Yes, that's it. On the serious side, every time I google the news, there are these reports about people I don't know, young people with god awful names like 9 inch nails, or bragelina, or pdiddy, who are these people and where did they come from. And why did Jessica somebody snub the president, I mean I would too, but why did she do it? The news surely isn't what it uesd to be. I remember when the paper would sit for days getting read and re read and then piled in a corner to be used to start the fire, but then, now, well every thing is online and no paper and while I read I see all these reports of other things besides the news and it makes me wonder if the reporters are having a problem finding real new's worthy topics, but then we have Bush and his Barney fife, and there are all those wars and rumors of wars, and civil rights matters, but no, the first on the list of the news is these funny named people. Go figure.

Mike said...

Zelda1, people have always had funny names. I mean, "Abraham Lincoln"?!? Did someone just vomit a bunch of letters or is that a real name?

Rrramone said...

wow, I am in awe of the piece on Britney's breasts. Thanks for creating that confusion in my brain. :-)

Mike said...

It's amazing, isn't it, Rrramone? Magical musical breasts.

Anonymous said...

How can you not have heard of Peter Tomarken or Press Your Luck?! The show is considered one of the best game shows there ever was and even has a cult following today! It's even even well knows for the Michael Larson scandal!!!

This is gameplay of Press Your Luck:

Mike said...

Anon, oh yeah. That's the scandal where the contestant had figured out the "randomness" of the pattern. I should have remembered. that!