I seem to have passed some arbitrary threshold recently and I'm getting more traffic from Google and Yahoo. Let's abuse this.
I've inspected the top recent search terms from Google, Yahoo, and Technorati, and consolidated my own 10 top list from those sources. I will now pass judgement on those things that appear to be currently occupying the hive mind. Clearly my opinion is sought.
My understanding is that there is some sort of basketball tournament this month involving U.S. colleges. Historical research indicates that this tournament used to occur in February and was referred to as February Foolishness. Before that, April Assinineness. I have no idea what they'll do now. My verdict? Boooooring.
2) American Idol
This is some sort of television show that does not involve political satire, outer space, or backstabbing alliances thus it falls under my radar. There is very little truth to the rumor that I slept repeatedly with Paula Abdul. I can, however, nearly confirm that Simon Cowell likes to have his butt bit. My verdict? Well, this is a very popular show. Then again, Bush was elected President twice in this nation....
I'm guessing this was a top term because March 14th can be written as 3.14, and is thus referred to as Pi Day. Pi is, of course, my favorite number of all time. For a long time I had the first 100 digits of it memorized, which prevented me from getting laid for a very long time. Now I just have a random 100 memorized. My verdict? Worth your searches!
4) World Baseball Classic
I love that they're calling this first-time tournament a classic. This is just like my six year-old daughter pronouncing some song she hears on Radio Disney as a classic. My verdict? It's appearance on this list is classic.
5) Peter Tomarken
Peter Tomarken??? I had to Google him myself. Apparently he was the host of a game show named Press Your Luck and he died two days ago while piloting a plane. Since he apparently was doing so as part of a charity effort, I will refrain from making the obligatory joke about him pressing his luck. Verdict? Somber.
6) Butik Batok
Ok, now I think these search engines are just making stuff up. Hang on..... Oh! It's some Singapore sex video! Well, this cements it. I am currently the only person that doesn't have a sex video circulating on the Internet. Verdict? Oh, Hank......
7) Natalie Portman
People are searching for her because there's a Saturday Night Live clip of her doing a hardcore comedy rap. It keeps getting removed for legal reasons and then reappearing. It's popular because it demonstrates one of the basic tenets of comedy: A fish out of water. See, she's a cute, petite, princessy gal who is rapping about sex and violence while saying naughty naughty words. Verdict? Not bad, but would have been funnier had she also slipped on a banana peel. Comedy gold.
8) Wafah Dufour
This one is great. Wafah is the niece of Osama bin laden. She's also an aspiring pop singer, a future reality TV star, and she likes to pose for provocative photos. Once I film my sex video with her, she'll have 100% coverage on the Internet. Verdict? Super star!
9) Isaac Hayes
This one is also great. So, Isaac is the voice of Chef on South Park. His character is known for his chocolate salty balls, sleeping with all the women of South Park, and his common sense. Isaac is now quitting the show, claiming that the writers have gone too far in their mockery of religion, that it has now crossed the line into bigotry and intolerance. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, creators of South Park, have retorted that Isaac didn't mind when they made fun of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or Mormonism. It was only when they took aim at Scientology that he became indignant. Isaac Hayes's religion? Scientology. Verdict? Hah! Hah, I say!
10) Britney Spears
Britney Spears is a worldwide fascination. Between her white trash husband, and her remarkably elastic breast size, she's a perennial top search topic. Personally, I'd rather look at or listen to cardboard. My verdict? She's a child.
Let the hits roll in.