The nominees for Best Method of Communication Between Two People are:
A) Speaking, face to face
B) Instant messaging
D) Lambada, the forbidden dance
And the winner is...
Yes! Woooo, instant messaging! You kick ass!
Man, I really and truly do love instant messaging. It is my favorite form of communication these days. It's Mike (that's me!) at his best.
I find all other forms of communication to be flawed. Let's review.
Face to face speaking? That crap is a nightmare. First, there's the body language aspect of it that totally eludes me. When my wife puts her hand on her hip, does it mean that I'm a good husband or that she hates me? Or is she just copping a quick self-feel? Indecipherable.
Then, there's whole issue of eye contact. I AM A COMPUTER PROGRAMMER AND I DO NOT LIKE LOOKING YOU IN THE EYE. Are you trying to peer into my soul? Christ on a crutch, quit looking at me! And, if you're a woman with breasts, am I really supposed to be able to look you in the eye? That's patently absurd. Only magicians can do that.
Finally, it's too quick! No backspace to retract the ethnic slur that sounded ironic in my head. No adequate time to come up with a rhyme for testicle. No chance to construct a believably human facade.
Without a doubt, face to face speaking is unmanageable.
Phone calls? Well, they still have the immediacy problem that face-to-face speaking does. Just not enough time to respond with a sympathetic/humorous comment. Plus, I'm probably making online Scrabble moves, or watching TV while I'm talking to you, so you're really only getting 10% of my attention. It's a lose-lose proposition.
The Lambada, the forbidden dance? That's pretty good, but forbidden.
So, we're left with the Cadillac of conversation, instant messaging! I can copy and paste humorous anecdotes from one window to another! I can pause for a few seconds before responding to your fat-pitch setup comment! I can be the Mike I always wanted to pretend to be!
Congratulations, instant messaging. Your ASCII sensibilities rock my world.