An Open Letter To Oatmeal Raisin Cookies
Dear Oatmeal Raisin Cookies,
I am on to you, you sick little bastards.
First off, consider yourselves very very lucky that I'm still wrestling with how to swear in this blog. You and I both know that when we're alone, I am unmerciful in my choice of words. Here, however, a modicum of restraint and decorum is required. Underage packets may be present.
Before I go any further, perhaps it's best to address you, oatmeal. Oatmeal, I hope you realize that my bitterness is not directed at you. Although I do not welcome you into my cookies, I do not completely reject you either. I recognize your intrinsic nutritional value, and your oatmeally flavor is not completely without merit. However, although I am not a trained lawyer, we all know that guilt by association is 90% of the law. You have no one to blame but yourself for your involvement in this.
Let's see, we covered the oatmeal part, where does that leave us? Hmmm... oh, might it be THE GODFORSAKEN RAISIN?!
Raisin, we've danced our dance too many times before. I spy you from across the room, delicately nestled in a plate of cookies, luring me in, drawing me to you. You know what I want and I'm unable to resist you. As always, I am completely oblivious to your treachery. I bring you into my arms and raise you to my lips without even thinking. My mouth waters with anticipation until finally, desperately, we meet. I bite into you, eagerly awaiting...RAISINS?!
YOU FOOL ME EVERY TIME! YOU DELIBERATELY DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE, A HEAVENLY AND SATISFYING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE, AND YOU'RE JUST A FREAKIN' OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE! Make no mistake about it, if there is a hell for cookies, you are going there.
So, it's come to this. I do hereby demand that you cease and desist from passing yourselves off as chocolate chip cookies (delicious and gooey chocolate chip cookies). The court established years ago, in Brown v. Snickerdoodle, that the chocolate chip cookie was the king of cookies. It is disingenous of you to attract eaters under the false pretense of being scrumptious.
From this day forth, all oatmeal raisin cookies may not resemble chocolate chip cookies (addictive, delectable, chocolate chip cookies). You must dye yourselves mauve, or chartreuse, or some other non-chocolate-chip-cookie color.
IF YOU CONTINUE TO DEFY ME, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY! I know people who know people who can crush you.
It ends here.
ogblay at gmail dot com