Saturday, December 11, 2004

An Open Letter To Oatmeal Raisin Cookies


Dear Oatmeal Raisin Cookies,

I am on to you, you sick little bastards.

First off, consider yourselves very very lucky that I'm still wrestling with how to swear in this blog. You and I both know that when we're alone, I am unmerciful in my choice of words. Here, however, a modicum of restraint and decorum is required. Underage packets may be present.

Before I go any further, perhaps it's best to address you, oatmeal. Oatmeal, I hope you realize that my bitterness is not directed at you. Although I do not welcome you into my cookies, I do not completely reject you either. I recognize your intrinsic nutritional value, and your oatmeally flavor is not completely without merit. However, although I am not a trained lawyer, we all know that guilt by association is 90% of the law. You have no one to blame but yourself for your involvement in this.

Let's see, we covered the oatmeal part, where does that leave us? Hmmm... oh, might it be THE GODFORSAKEN RAISIN?!

Raisin, we've danced our dance too many times before. I spy you from across the room, delicately nestled in a plate of cookies, luring me in, drawing me to you. You know what I want and I'm unable to resist you. As always, I am completely oblivious to your treachery. I bring you into my arms and raise you to my lips without even thinking. My mouth waters with anticipation until finally, desperately, we meet. I bite into you, eagerly awaiting...RAISINS?!

YOU FOOL ME EVERY TIME! YOU DELIBERATELY DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE, A HEAVENLY AND SATISFYING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE, AND YOU'RE JUST A FREAKIN' OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE! Make no mistake about it, if there is a hell for cookies, you are going there.

So, it's come to this. I do hereby demand that you cease and desist from passing yourselves off as chocolate chip cookies (delicious and gooey chocolate chip cookies). The court established years ago, in Brown v. Snickerdoodle, that the chocolate chip cookie was the king of cookies. It is disingenous of you to attract eaters under the false pretense of being scrumptious.

From this day forth, all oatmeal raisin cookies may not resemble chocolate chip cookies (addictive, delectable, chocolate chip cookies). You must dye yourselves mauve, or chartreuse, or some other non-chocolate-chip-cookie color.

IF YOU CONTINUE TO DEFY ME, THERE WILL BE HELL TO PAY! I know people who know people who can crush you.

It ends here.

Cheers,
Mike
ogblay at gmail dot com

20 comments:

Heather said...

Ha...Hahaha..Ha...Haha...

Dang, now I can't sleep because I'm laughing.

Gary said...

I have a similar problem with celery.
Celery knows I hate it, which is why it hides itself under the lettuce and I don't notice it until I've taken a huge bight ... bluuurrrgggggg

Mike said...

Gary,

I am with you on the whole celery thing. That is a strange and vile vegetable. Most American children are brainwashed into thinkging that it's a snack treat. They are presented with celery that has been covered with peanut butter. I can assure that the brainwashing failed on me.

Heather, mwah hah hah, then my evil plan to spread insomnia is working!

Allie#3ga said...

ok - so you know i'm in love with you now? ok. good.

Mike said...

Dang! I just looked at your blog 3ga, and it says that you got engaged this weekend. Man, you move fast.

tinyhands said...

You're all full of poop. There's nothing wrong with either raisins (especially buried in gooey oatmeal cookies) or celery.

Siôn said...

I can't really see a propblem with the raisin thing. Damn tasty things. But, celery...well that's a different matter. There's a place I like to go and eat in my home town that cuts the celery up really fine, thus tricking you into not realising it's celery. You only notice when it's too late. Evil.

Tasty said...

It's the next day, and I'm still giggling. That's a good post, people.

I'm with Tiny on this one, though, I love the oatmeal raisin, and celery (esp w/ cream cheese) is yummy.

Mike said...

Look, I'm not slamming the raisins as a stand-alone food. You want to pop some raisins in your mouth, go for it! I back that effort 100%.

HOWEVER, if you deviously plant raisins into a cookie, trying to pass it off as the King of all Cookies, then you've committed a heinous crime. Heinous.

And the celery thing is not up for discussion. Gary, Siôn, and I have settled it.

dolface said...

philistine! oatmeal raisin cookies are king! delicious, moist, chewy, oaty, oatmeal raisin cookies, how i love thee!
plus, they help you poop and have lots of iron in them.

Allie#3ga said...

stacey is wrong ... celery is wrong. and the dreaded raisin in every possible varation and presentation is wrong.

so i have spoken so how it is.

Mike said...

It would appear that this is essentially a religious argument. I'm afraid we must all agree to disagree, even those of you who are so so so very wrong.

Stacey said...

Good God ... Dare I ask you your opinion on holiday fruit cakes?

But seriously, thanks for the laugh ...

Mike said...

Cool. I'm like the Martha Stewart of Blogger now. Yes, allow me to pontificate on on fruit cakes. Although they are not as nearly as tasty as they should be (fruit? yum. Cake? Super yum. fruitcake? Surprisingly unyum), they are not nearly as diabolical as the deceptive oatmeal raisin cookie. No one ever looked at a fruit cake and said, "Oooh! Mud pie!".

Ruvas Caribbean said...

It's not quite in the same league as oatmeal raisin cookies, but I'd assert that coffee ice cream has an analogous mood-deflating effect. I ordered a chocolate parfait recently, and the restaurant gave me coffee instead. Oh the humanity. The unadulterated disappointment.

Mike said...

Oh, Ruvas, you are sadly mistaken. Although I cannot comment on the deliciousness of parfait, I can assure you that coffee ice cream is a tasty treat. Consider yourself assured.

Cindy said...

I can take an oatmeal raisin cookie although I can relate to the disappointment when you are expecting chocolate chip. However, if you expect oatmeal raisin and get oatmeal raisin - it's perfectly acceptable. I do wish people/restaurants would stop putting mushrooms in things without a large blinking warning sign, though. Little rubbery foul-tasting things. I mean, seriously. They're fungus. Meant to be scraped from walls, not eaten.

Thanks for the laughs!

Mike said...

Mushrooms are an odd food. At least they don't parade themselves around as chocolate chip cookies.

Carpe Diem, Right? said...

i don't know any of the writers or commenters, but i'm going to say it anyway: yes... oatmeal raisin cookies are the devil incookieate. but oatmeal choco chip cookies...

Mike said...

I'm right there with you, Carpe Diem. Oatmeal chocolate chip cookies are tasty little nuggets.