Last night I started to feel a bit under the weather.
I've been sick so infrequently for the last decade, that I generally don't believe it when the symptoms first hit. If it does turn out to be one of those rare cases when I am actually coming down with a cold, I often don't realize it until I'm mid-martini. So when I woke up with a sore throat this morning, I vowed to attack the cold with all my might.
Of course western medicine has no answer to the common cold. Liquid, rest, blah blah blah. Look, there's a limit to how much resting I have time for in a day, and somehow guzzling many glasses of water doesn't seem to do the trick alone, so I was forced to turn to alternative medicine to fight this cold. I went with a three-pronged attack.
First, I've been pounding Zicam every couple of hours. The main cold-busting ingredient in Zicam is zinc. How much zinc is in Zicam? Well, uh, that's hard to tell. It's a homeopathic medicine which means there's roughly zero molecules of zinc in every dose. The directions say to take it every 3 hours until the symptoms disappear. Since this is a common cold we're talking about, and not say, lung cancer, those type of instructions are bound to be successful. I could eat Twinkies every 3 hours until my symptoms go away and that would work too. (Note to self, market Twinkam to homeopathic pharmacies). This cold will resolve itself eventually and there's little guarantee that zinc has anything to do with it, but what the hell.
I've also been taking Airborne, the medicine whose claim to fame is that it was developed by a second grade school teacher. Awesome. Obviously the best person to develop the precise formula to beat the rhinovirus, a goal that has eluded scientists for hundreds of years, is the same person who taught my daughter how to do subtraction. Just subtract the sore throat from my body, and voila! I'm entertained by the notion of amateurs developing medicines and I look forward to having my garbage man perform my eventual angioplasty.
The third prong of attack I've implemented has been prayer. I figure as long as I'm trying all the wacky stuff, I'd give that a shot too.
So, when my cold eventually goes away, should I thank Zinc? the school system? Or will it be a divine miracle?