Monday, January 05, 2009

It occurs to me that it's now 2009 (which is not a prime number, in case you were wondering (stupid 7!)), and I have not yet done any sort of 2008 wrap-up post. Let's review.

2008 kicked off with my resolution to be nicer. How did I do?

I have no idea. I think I was nicer for a while, but by the end I was probably back to my usual semi-grumpy self. If I was nicer, it was probably just because 2008 was generally better than 2007. Financially, obviously, it was a train wreck between the stock market crashing and my new-found hobby of sending thousands of dollars to undeserving corporations, but I landed an interesting job and my daughter has picked up some of my favorite parts of my sense of humor, both of which make my days, inside the house and out, more enjoyable.

I would be remiss, however, if I attempted to sum up 2008 without addressing the number one blog topic of the year. I speak, of course, of the bathroom at work.

Although my beloved peanut is long gone, the bathroom floor is a never ending series of mysteries and dramas. Pablo pointed out to me a few weeks ago that someone had left a fingernail clipping on the floor by the urinal. And a couple of staples.

Wha?

Some dude is clipping his fingernails while pissing? And he's processing papers too? Removing staples and what not? No wonder that dude pisses all over the place. LISTEN UP, BATHROOM BOY, NOT EVERYONE IS GOOD AT MULTI-TASKING! FOCUS! I mean, I've seen the dudes who piss with their hands behind their heads, or jauntily atop their hips like they're Superpisser, but if you're not going to hold your penis with one of your hands, the least you could do is pay a modicum of attention to where your bodily excretions are going. There's PISS coming out of you, dude. Focus!

The damn clippings and staples have been there for weeks. One day, a particularly strong current of urine will carry them away, but for now they remain stubbornly in the floor mat.

Most importantly, what I'd like to do to wrap up 2008 is clear the name of my good friend Pablo.

Pablo, I know, and all 2 dozen of my readers should also know, that I do not believe you are the bathroom floor pisser, the bathroom peanut eater, or the bathroom unstapler/fingernail clipper. You're neater and tidier than I am outside of the bathroom, so it stands to reason that if I'm not wielding my penis like a tiny (but fierce!) fire hose, then you probably aren't either.

10 comments:

nrd2 said...

< guffawing > thank you for the hearty laugh. after two days of de-christmasing for clients, i needed that!

Lola said...

I heard that Pablo eats fish for breakfast, and he deliberately frightens kids in the street. There are worse things than pissing on the bathroom floor.

tinyhands said...

If you're going to call it fierce, and I'm not objecting if you do, I think you have to make a sound like a tiger or a jaguar... Rrawr!

I think I just found your custom ringtone.

Mike said...

Nrd2, you're welcome. And if makes you feel any better, I still haven't de-WinterPresentTreeDayed.

Lola, I've seen Pablo eat breakfast. He seems to favor yogurt and cereal. That was probably him scaring the little kids though.

Tiny, do I have to make that sound when I pee? Or, uh, other times?

Nutmeg said...

I think you need to notify your office cleaning crew ASAP.

I always thought you were nice, albeit that was 20 some years ago. Hindsight and all that.

You are one of my fondest memories of my very traumatic teen years, and I thank you. The English Club, the Lunch Bunch, Geek Gulch whatever.

Now I have a 17 year old and wish she had a friend like you were to me. She seems so lost sometimes.

So yeah, I think you were and are a good person, for what it's worth. I for one still think fondly of you.

~Meg

PS could be the absinthe talking...

Mike said...

Hey Meg, thanks for the kind words. And I'm not saying I'm a bad person, I'm just saying that I could be nicer to the people around me on a day to day basis. I'm definitely grumpier than I used to be. Maybe it's the responsibilities of middle age or maybe it's just Old Man Disease.

meg said...

Oh I've got Old Man Disease a'plenty 'round here too. Going on these last 15 years.

My goal is to be nicer/kinder to those I live with than I am to those at work or out and about. Sherry Lewis (of Lambchop fame) said she tried to be nicer to her husband than anyone else and it's really stuck with me. It's a work in progress.

Mike said...

Well, when I get a husband I'll be sure to be nice to him. Until then, no dice.

tinyhands said...

No, I think you only have to make the sound when you reference the little (albeit fierce) guy. Any additional sounds you wish to make are solely at your discretion.

Mike said...

Tiny, for the record, as far as penises go mine isn't particularly tiny, it's just tiny compared to fire hoses. Just for the record.