Monday, May 12, 2008

If I were to make a short list of the times in recent years when I firmly inserted my foot into my mouth and then kind of deep-throated it a bit, that list would include:
  1. When I discovered that the Mute button on my work phone is really just a Muffle button.
  2. When I mistakenly asked the PTA President if she was inviting me to a sex party.
  3. When I mistook someone's mom for a transvestite.
I'm now ready to add one more to that list. On Saturday night we went over to visit our friends Maggie and Malcolm. I've known Maggie for about 15 years. She has a quick wit and a sharp tongue, but it occurred to me as I sat there on Saturday that Malcolm was probably the funnier of the two. Because I spend most of my waking hours in front of computers and not people, I decided to share my insight with them.

Me: I think Malcolm is the funny one.
Maggie: What did you say?
Me: Malcolm. Out of you two, Malcolm is The Funny One.
Maggie: Oh, look at the time.

It occurred to me at this moment that I was an idiot. I looked for the backspace key.

Me: I mean, he's funny, right?
Maggie: Whatever, Mike.
Me: Dammit. I totally forgot how you hold grudges. You're going to be mad at me... forever, huh?
Maggie: I officially reserve the right to speak at your funeral.
Me: Malcolm, help me out here. Who's funnier, you or Maggie?
Malcolm: I can't believe you did this to me.

Eh, who needs friends.


Neel Mehta said...

Best-case scenario: Malcolm and Maggie look back on this conversation, laugh at its stupidity, and refer to YOU as "the funny one."

Mike said...

Your best-case scenario is also a fantasy-land scenario. Maggie will give up this grudge when Bush admits it was a mistake to invade Iraq.

yajeev said...

This is about as close as you'll get:

President Bush said Tuesday he was disappointed in "flawed intelligence" before the Iraq war and was concerned that if a Democrat wins the presidency in November and withdrew troops prematurely it could "eventually lead to another attack on the United States."

Avery Gray said...


Mike said...

Yajeev, like President Bush, I am also concerned about flawed intelligence: mine.

Avery, well said.

Anonymous said...

i don't get it. gaffes #1-3 were funnier...

Mike said...

Hey Anon, apparently I'm both tactless and a crappy writer. It was a gaffe because apparently Maggie takes pride in her humor. I'd feel the same way if someone declared Hank to be funnier than me (although she can hold her own).