- When I discovered that the Mute button on my work phone is really just a Muffle button.
- When I mistakenly asked the PTA President if she was inviting me to a sex party.
- When I mistook someone's mom for a transvestite.
Me: I think Malcolm is the funny one.
Maggie: What did you say?
Me: Malcolm. Out of you two, Malcolm is The Funny One.
Maggie: Oh, look at the time.
It occurred to me at this moment that I was an idiot. I looked for the backspace key.
Me: I mean, he's funny, right?
Maggie: Whatever, Mike.
Me: Dammit. I totally forgot how you hold grudges. You're going to be mad at me... forever, huh?
Maggie: I officially reserve the right to speak at your funeral.
Me: Malcolm, help me out here. Who's funnier, you or Maggie?
Malcolm: I can't believe you did this to me.
Eh, who needs friends.