Monday, January 21, 2008

There are some subjects that 99% of all married couples will eventually argue about. Topping this list are subjects like money and household chores. A close third place on that list is the topic that Hank and I covered during our date-night last night.

Me: Which one of us do you think is blacker?
Hank: Me.
Me: You? You're whitebread incarnate. What makes you blacker than me?
Hank: Well, you can't dance or dress, so I've pretty much got you beat.
Me: Okokok. IGNORING my inability to bust a move on the dance floor, I'm clearly blacker.
Hank: How are you black at all?
Me: It's in my soul.
Hank: Your soul? You've got the soul of a black man? How exactly does that manifest itself?
Me: I don't know. I mean, at least I've bought some rap albums.
Hank: What? I'm the one here who has bought a rap album!
Me: Liar. What rap album did you buy?
Hank: NWA!
Me: And the last time you listened to that album was...?
Hank: Well, I don't have it anymore. I had it on cassette and it was in my car when my car got stolen.
Me: So, that was a decade ago? And you had it on what? 8-track? Nice. Ok, at least I've bought rap albums THIS century.
Hank: What rap albums did you buy?
Me: I bought The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and I bought that Outkast album. You hate that Outkast album.
Hank: I do not! Besides, you have no rhythm.
Me: We're IGNORING that.
Hank: You're ignoring that.
Me: Alright, if you had to pose for a Colbert-esque picture with your black friend, who would you get?
Hank: Uh...
Me: Exactly.
Hank: No! Wait! There was this one contractor at work...
Me: Someone hired to be with you, uh huh.
Hank: And she described me as her girl-crush! There! Have any African Americans had a crush on you?
Me: Yes! A hunky fireman! That trumps your contractor big time.
Hank: You can't dance.

And so a stalemate was born.

What Hank is forgetting is that I'm a Jew (term loosely used), and Jews and African Americans have much in common. Persecution is an excellent example. African Americans have that whole slavery and racial intolerance thing to suffer through and similarly the Jews endured the Holocaust as well as thousands of years of people hating us. (Seriously, what's with all the hate? Sorry about the Jesus thing, but quit blaming us for crazy crap like 9/11).

Jews and African Americans also dominate U.S. pop culture. As a combined power, we almost completely control Hollywood and U.S. music. I mean, take comedy for example. If you remove all Jews and African Americans from comedy, you're left with.... Jeff Foxworthy?

So, the Jews and the African American community, we are one (despite any thing you might read in the news saying otherwise).

What this really comes down to is that Hank and I are going to settle this issue like we settled our last big argument, by polling the people who know us both best. Liz, Larry, and Pablo, you are the jury.


Avery Gray said...

You're both pretty ghetto fabulous. This one's a tough call.

Have either of you ever owned anything by 2 Live Crew?

Mike said...

No, ma'am. You a big 2 Live Crew fan?

Avery Gray said...

Of course! "Me So Horny" was my wedding song.

Mike said...

I can't believe you didn't get them to perform at the reception. Next time.

Liz said...

Sorry for the delay. Larry and I discussed this on the way home last night, and I have concluded that Hank is the winner. Sure you can run faster, but she's probably better at basketball. And she's got the pop-rap collection: Diggable Planets, Rise Robots Rise, Us3.... Plus despite your common persecution, you left out that among the groups that despise Jews are African Americans. So unless you hate yourself, I'm afraid you can't be very black. Even your black friend isn't very black. Hank probably has white friends that are blacker than your black friend. How many black friends does your black friend have, hm?

Mike said...

All those albums don't count IF SHE NEVER LISTENS TO THEM. And I'd totally kick her ass in basketball. And as for hating myself, well, I can't say I'm crazy about my Jewness. Am I supposed to be delighted about my big nose? Finally, as to the blackness of my black friend, who declared you the arbiter of black?

Oh. I did. Nevermind.