Monday, January 28, 2008

I am not above faking pain or injury to achieve my goals. Of course, by "achieve my goals" I mean "avoid achieving some goal".

About once a week, when Hank is trying to get me to do something I don't want to do, I'll clutch some random part of my body and moan, "Ohhhhhhhhh, my ovaries!" It's a line I learned from the Master, Bart Simpson. I figure an animated ten year-old malcontent is a pretty good mentor for me.

Now that I've officially announced my emergence from marathon retirement, I'm taking stock of my aches and pains, because if you're going to make excuses, it's best to have them rooted in the truth. So far, I've identified the following injuries/defects:

1) My hip hurts! It's been bothering me for over a year now. I went to see a physical therapist for a while, but after a couple months with no discernable difference, I decided to stop going. The hip doesn't really bother me during normal activities and only bugs me a little during running, so I figure I can run on it until it withers and falls off. Thankfully, hips are one of the body parts that surgeons can replace these days, so no biggie.

2) My right heel hurts! This one just sprang up yesterday, which was a fairly slothful day. I have no idea what caused it or what it means, but each step on my right foot is painful. I blew off my lunchtime run today because of it. Giving up is one of my core competencies.

3) I'd like to lose a few pounds.

That last one really sticks in my craw.

In my nearly 40 years of life, I've never had to go on a diet. My build has ranged from skinny to medium. At any given time either my exercise regimen or my metabolism has kept my weight under control without me having to pay any attention to what I cram into my cry-hole. This has come in extremely handy because I cram a lot of crap in there. Do you know how many delicious chocolate treats there are in the world? I do. A crapload.

Running a marathon is hard work though and I'm probably a couple of pounds heavier than I was the last time I did ran one. So, wouldn't it be a lot easier to run those 26.2 miles if I lost 5 or 10 pounds, especially when I'm trying to qualify for Boston? Otherwise it's like carrying a dumbbell for the duration of the race, and there ain't room for another dumbbell in this body.

So, for the very first time in my life, I might try to lose a few pounds. The very thought unnverves me. I mean, one of the reasons I run is so that I DON'T have to watch what I eat, and now I'm considering restricting my diet so that I can run faster? Has this whole world gone topsy-turvy?

Middle-age has addled my brain

I can't wait to give up on this plan. Seriously, I think I sprained one of my Fallopian Tubes.


zelda1 said...

I know this is going to sound crazy, but it is true. YOur hip and your heel pain are probably related and it could be your back causing the pain. I know, sounds too weird. You need to get it checked out to make sure you don't have a messed up disk or inflammed nerve.

Oh, and I am speed walking, nothing like a marathon, but, for me, a big deal. I can walk way over a mile and not even get out of breath.

Lola said...

An admirable goal, running marathons. If you're lucky, the weight will drop off without needing to restrict your crap intake, but the catch (yes, there's always a catch) is that you actually have to run. Although I'm sure walking will qualify. In fact, going up and down stairs without using an elevator counts too. Walking over to the refrigerator uses heaps of energy. Yes, I think you can give up now, no need to risk a womb fracture.

Mike said...

Zelda, I'd believe that my hip pain is related to my back (my physical therapist never had me working on hip exercises, they were all almost all back exercises), but the heel thing seems unrelated. It feels like bruise pain, but it's not on the bottom of the heel. I think it's bubonic plague. More importantly, nice work on the speed walking! Marathons are not the key to health, but cardio, like speed-walking, is key.

Lola, my weight doesn't seem to fluctuate that much with my exercise regimen. When I exercise more, I naturally eat more, so it kind of just balances out. Just to make sure though, I just walked to the refrigerator to get a chocolate muffin.

missburrows said...

Sounds like it is time to get a motorized scooter. I don't think you can enter it into the Boston Marathon, but you really need to take care of your milk ducts.

(Make way for duct-lings.)

Avery Gray said...

What's a craw?

carey said...

Is the heel thing plantar fasciitis? Will Hank rub your feet? Or is that too yucky?

I have moderate arthritis in my right hip (I believe from all the up and down and running from nearly 40 year of softball) and the thing that keeps the pain at bay is glucosamine hcl.

All's you need now is a bench outside some general store somewhere and some lemonade, and a crotchety sidekick to trade aching body parts stories with. Welcome (almost) to middle age!

Mike said...

Miss B, my milk ducts? Are those my balls? Are they in danger? This is confusing.

Avery, a craw is a part of the body that stuff gets stuck in. Like jam between toes and lint in bellybuttons, hard to swallow items stick in the craw.

Carey, I love being crotchety! Pablo has had hip operations, maybe he can be my crotchety sidekick. Ahhh, it's all falling into place.

yajeev said...

I began crafting an elaborate comment to this post about my own experience in injury fraud to avoid undesired activities. One thing led to another and my comment reached blog post-length, so I made the transition and converted it to an outright entry at my own site.

You're my inspiration. Keep on keeping on. Unless you don't feel like it.

Mike said...

Yajeev, not only will I keep on keeping on, I'm going to keep on trucking!

yajeev said...

That's great.

Because trucking is a heck of a lot easier than running.