Monday, December 03, 2007

Hank and Daisy went to go see Cirque du Soleil on Friday night. They came home buzzing with tales of acrobatics and contortionism.

Hank described one contortionist who did something absurd like lay down on her stomach, and then arch her body so far into the air that her feet landed in front of her face. Then, like some crazy toy, she "ran" her feet around her body.

Hank shuddered telling the story and said that that part of the show was just plain creepy.

Now, I wasn't there, but I don't think that would creep me out. Instead, here are the two main things you can do with your body that will make me flee in horror:

1) Expel a substance: Feces, vomit, babies, etc

2) File your nails

Oh. Man.

That last one is NASTY. I cannot stand the sight or sound of nails being filed. I know people traditionally complain about the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard, but what if that board actually ground down your nails? That's what a nail file does!

If I need to remove a part of my body, I'm going to snip it. It will be very quick. I WILL NOT USE A LOW-TECH BELT SANDER LIKE A NAIL FILE.

I don't shave by scraping sandpaper on my face. I don't cut my hair by rubbing it with steel wool. So, please understand when I'm a little oogified by someone filing down part of their body.

Just ridiculous.


Avery Gray said...

Wow. You're weird.

How do give your nails nice, smooth, rounded edges with clippers? Do you often snag them on your cuffs, especially those made of knit fibers? If so, might I suggest you tackle this phobia of yours and give nail files another chance? Your family and friends will thank you!

Mike said...

Avery, that's exactly the problem with clippers. Each time you clip, you create a pointy part. It's an infinite number of clips to achieve a suitably round edge.

Now, nail SCISSORS on the other hand, are the perfect nail trimming implement.

dolface said...

The woman who ran her feet around her body was pretty freaky and cool, but the huge spinning double-hamster wheel was the best.

I need to move so I have enough room to have one in my house.

Mike said...

And then you'll be able to train for adventure races in your abode?

dolface said...

Yeah, but I was really thinking about the OTHER things it might be useful for...

Larry said...

If I ever start talking about my bridge and what they had to do to my teeth to get it to stay on properly, you should run from the room with your ears plugged and screaming "LALALALALALALALALA"!

Avery Gray said...

Hey, come play at my place!

Mike said...

Larry, thankfully I'm never going to the dentist again, so I won't have to visualize myself in your position.

Avery, I just did!