Thursday, April 26, 2007

Thank you all for your advice on how I can sleep better at night. I learned the following:

- The younger generation gets their wisdom from TV commercials
- Write notes to myself (Hi Mike! Go to sleep! ps. You rock! Also, fewer exclamation marks at night!)
- Take Tylenol PM

I guess if I'm looking for rubberstamp approval for ingesting pharmaceuticals, I've come to the wrong place. From now on, I direct all my questions about drug taking to my handy rubber stamp. Helllooooo, stampy!

I am happy to report, however, that despite my lack of sleep, I'm not quite as cranky as I thought I'd be. Sure, I FEEL like throwing the cast iron pan through the window, but it's really heavy. Ok, maybe I am cranky. Cranky and weak.

Thankfully I still have telemarketers on whom I can take out my frustrations. I had this conversation yesterday:

Ring ring ring

Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: ....
Me: Hello! This is the part where YOU talk.
TeleM: (robotically) Hello, may I please speak to Michael Ogblay
Me: Hmmmm.... You are.
TeleM: Hi Michael, I'm calling today to conduct a survey.

Often at this point in the telemarketing conversation, they'll ask permission for my involvement in the survey. Instead, this guy charged right ahead, which I thought was rude since these things often take about 15 minutes. So, I decided to be an ass. I contemplated my strategy while he blathered on with his first question, which I didn't really hear. Unfortunately, he finished talking before I finished thinking.

TeleM: .... so, yes or no?
Me: Um.... Purple.
TeleM: (typing) And you would say....blah blah blah... strongly agree, agree, neutral, disagree, or strongly disagree?
Me: Square root of negative one.
TeleM: Ok, and how many times a month do you blah blah blah?
Me: Vishnu
TeleM: And are any members of you family employed by the press or a marketing agency?
Me: Nauseated.
TeleM: (more typing) Alright, and blah blah blah, yes or no?
Me: Half.
TeleM: Half? Pardon me?
Me: Half? Did I say half? Oh, that makes no sense. Sorry. Couch. My answer is couch.
TeleM: Uh.... um.... Ok, I think that wraps up our survey. Thank you for your time.
Me: You're very welcome.

I can't believe "Vishnu", "Nauseated" and an imaginary number were fine answers, but "Half" threw him for a loop. One of us was off our game.


Tasty said...


Kat said...

Can you even believe telemarketing is still an industry? I don't know anybody who actually answers those surveys correctly or doesn't hang up. When you find something that works for sleeping...please pass it on.

Mike said...

Tasty, thanks.

Kat, yeah, it's totally nuts. Usually I ask in advance how long the survey will take (I might actually answer a 60 second one), and they usually say 10 to 15 minutes. 15 MINUTES?!?! Crikey! No way.

tinyhands said...

My favorite telemarketing response, "How many lifelines do I have left?"

Mike said...

Tiny, that's a good answer but has the flaw of probably actually amusing the telemarketer instead of annoyng them.

newnorth said...

You could just claim you don't speak English. Just make sure you are using extra long and suffisticated sentences while making the claim.

...admittedly, yours is better :)

Mike said...

Newnorth, that's a good one too.

patsy said...

ve it. my sister says when some y are a member of the family and says things like " i am going to town, i need potatoes and you know george he always forgets"{.
she might say have you seen clayton, is he home? a little of that and they hang up!

Mike said...

Hey Patsy, I guess we all have our ways of dealing with the telemarketers. It's a wonder that they still think it's a productive way to spend their advertising dollars.