Saturday, November 10, 2007

I clam up a bit in situations where I'm conversing with people I don't know well. I don't get shy, but I do carefully filter what kind of jokes I'll make. I'll exclude the penis jokes, the killing jokes, and the mainstay of my normal conversations, the I'm-gay jokes. Instead, I rely upon about three different joke types. They are:

1) Combining words.

If someone makes a comment like "I work in the cancer ward of a Children's Hospital", I'll pipe in with "Chospital! Childspital! Chospdrenital!" It always slays.

2) Absurdly commenting that I do whatever is the topic of conversation.

For example, I was at a party once where guests were discussing the host's art. One painting in particular combined Japanese imagery and characters with social commentary. I nodded in agreement at the analysis and offered, "I go for the same effect with my Java software."

Or, more obviously, if a bunch of women are discussing their periods, it's almost guaranteed that I'll exclaim, "You too?! I'm bleeding like a stuck pig RIGHT DAMN NOW!"

Everyone enjoys that one.

3) Taking anyone's comment to its logical extreme.

I had a good example of this with Hank the other day. During dinner we had this conversation, while eating our oven-baked french fries:

Daisy: Are there any more fries?
Hank: Nope. That's it. Next time I want to make tater tots, but those are hard.
Me: No they're not. They're just like these fries. You open the bag, heat 'em up, and ta dah! Tater tots!
Hank: No, not frozen ones. They'll be so good if they're fresh and home-made.
Me: Oh! You know what's really good?
Hank: What?
Me: Home-made water! You take some really fresh hydrogen and some organic oxygen and combine them. Ohhhhhhh, so good! Mmmmmm! Home-made!
Hank: Uh huh.
Me: It just explodes with freshness! Or it just explodes.

And I wonder why I don't make friends easily.


Deb said...

I have to avoid saying things like, "You said DUTY!" when I'm around people I don't know well. I may have to steal that period joke, though. Wait... I'm a girl. It wouldn't work. DARN!!

The 4th Sister said...

Well Mike, I think I know why you don't make friends easily.....When My Grand girl was 4 I told her she was my only friend she said, "Granny, if you want friends you have to be nicer."....It's just not worth it!...I think you have the same problem!

Mike said...

Deb, I'm not sure what the female version of the period comment would be. Maybe if you found a group of guys discussing the joys of peeing while standing up.

4th Sister, yeah the whole idea of pretending to be nice to get friends, it seems like prostitution.

Avery Gray said...

I find a random, well-timed "Jackass!" is universally appreciated. But period humor is certainly...another way to go.

Mike said...

Avery, see the problem with "jackass" is that I'm then OBVIOUSLY making fun of the other party guests. By awkwardly pointing out their their conversation is unparty-like, I'm SUBTLELY doing the same thing. I'm so goddamn subtle.

Avery Gray said...

Oh, subtlety! That's the angle you're working with the "I'm bleeding like a stuck pig RIGHT DAMN NOW!"? Hmmm... Interesting.


(See how I did that?)

Mike said...

I'm beginning to warm up to that Jackass thing. I'll bust that one out over the holidays and let you know how it goes.