Thursday, May 04, 2006


I'm in the supermarket the other day and I spied these babies on the right. They're Grapples, which are, apparently, apples that taste like grapes.

I know what you're thinking. You're saying, "Don't we already have a food that tastes like grapes? Like, maybe, grapes?"

That's why YOU are not a marketing genius. Sure, you could just eat grapes, but wouldn't you rather have someone take an apple, and apply a grape flavor to it via a mysterious and patented chemical process? Mmmmm, sounds good when I put it that way, doesn't it? I love the flavor of mysterious. And grapes!

We can only assume that this is merely Phase One of their genius flavor switching campaign. Phase Two will make EVERYTHING taste like grapes. For breakfast I'll have a delicious helping of grape toast (Groast!), a side of grape bacon (Gracon!) and two Greggs, over easy. Yum!

Phase Three will just generally swap all flavors. Burgers will taste like Mountain Dew, salt will taste like pepper, and chocolate will have the delectable flavor (and odor!) of liver and onions. Every meal will be a complete surprise. Think you ordered cherry pie for dessert? Mmmm, sushi!

Folks, this is why we haven't cured cancer yet. People are spending their time "inventing" dumbass crap like this. Even worse, other people are wasting their time blogging about it. It's a vicious cycle.

15 comments:

zelda1 said...

What? No gutter for the groast? HA! I'm with you, leave the taste of foods alone, unless of course they are working on a way to make them sweeter and less fattening, now that's a find. But switching taste or making furits combine like an orange and a grapefruit, no don't like it. Let the scientist cure the common cold or aides or cancer or how to stop cracks in old people's faces. Yes, crack stopping. I can see a great deal of aesthetic use there. No more plumber crack, no more panties jammed in the crack or pants below the crack and we can all live with as little or as much crack as we want, or our ass or on our face. So leave the apple alone, don't move the grape in on her, and lets work on making life crackless.

Mike said...

Zelda, I was going to put Grutter on my Groast in that paragraph, but it seemed like overkill. As for your interest in crack-stopping technology, I suppose we could put off the cancer thing for a few more years to investigate your issues. I'm on board.

Janelle Renee said...

Maybe this IS one step towards the cancer cure.

Everybody knows that diet high in leafy greens helps in the fight against cancer. (Oh god. I sound like a spokes person for the National Ad Council. Help me.) So, once they make broccoli taste like french fries, chocolate, potato chips, burgers, etc... there will be less cancer and more thinner/healthier people walking around.

Never mind. This comment proves I am just another wheel in the vicious cycle.

Janelle Renee said...

Forgot to add:

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Mike said...

Hey, you wanna dip your broccoli in grape juice? Go for it. BUT QUIT BEEPING AT ME!

nrd2 said...

well, one of my clients really likes grapples and has them around in the office. i just realized i should have tried them with the peanut butter that i always keep in her office. but it just always left me with a weird feeling. although i love wrapping my brain around popcorn jelly bellies...

Mike said...

Nrd2, I've always been wary of the popcorn jelly bellies. Are they good?

nrd2 said...

well they've got this salty and sweet thing going on, just like me. and that ben & jerry's chubby hubby with the pretzels and chocolate...

Velvet Sacks said...

Do you suppose this grape-flavored-apple idea came easily to the people "spending their time 'inventing' dumbass crap like this"? I think not! I think they had to GRAPPLE with the concept, but once they tasted it, they were HOOKED.

(Like I'm hooked on your blog; you always make me laugh!)

Mike said...

Nrd2, you're not fooling anyone. I know you're all sweetness.

As for sweet/salty tastes, I'll tell you this. Once, when I was stoned in college, I decided that the finest possible snack would be Hershey's chocolate syrup, sprinkled with salt. What I eventually determined was that the snack got tastier as I reduced the amount of salt in it.

Put that in your sundae and smoke it.

Mike said...

VS, please, check your puns at the door.

The Tart said...

I am just not sure where to start in all this foody cycle of comnts?

But 4 sure that 1 cmnt about BEEP'S college snack habits has me intrigued! No wonder BEEP hears beeps. It all makes sense now. And his love 4 the ole chocolate chips. And how he gets lost with Dolface. Hmmmmmm. ; )

Anywhoo, now I am affected as result of this Grapple post. Have been in the grocery store & I keep asking where the Grapples R. They look at me like, Yup she is still a crazy Tart. Sheesh, gotta move to the West Coast. ; )

Smooch,
The Tart

Mike said...

Jocelyn, I'm pretty sure they have them in Texas. Nrd2 lives in Houston and she reports seeing them in a comment above.

As for my college eating habits, it was a required part of the Berkeley curriculum.

Tasty said...

I totally read, "greggs over greasy." Sounds kinda yummy.

Mike said...

I prefer my Greggs ungreased. Your mileage may vary.