Thursday, March 30, 2006


The government in the United States seeks to protect us from ourselves. We're not allowed to smoke pot or drive without our seatbelts, and almost anything you could fall off of has a guard rail or a sign instructing you not to fall.

Sadly, there is no such safety net to prevent dumbasses like me from buying a house. There is no homeowners aptitude test, nor special restraining device. All it takes is marrying a wife who has a lot of Hewlett Packard stock and you too can own a home, regardless of your ability to actually maintain said home.

So, anyway, our garage door has been acting all crazy. One of the wheels routinely pops out of the track, and about half the time when you're trying to close the door, it'll make it almost all the way down, shudder a bit, and then reverse course and come back up. This is cool behavior for a yo-yo, but annoying behavior for a door in your house, unless you like your doors to Walk The Dog.

I tried to figure out what was going wrong, but I had no clue. I did notice, however, that the track was a little warped. I figured that this was probably what was causing the wheel to pop out, and that was probably causing some sort of stress which was making the door unhappy about closing. Garage doors are sensitive that way.

So, we called a Garage Master to come over. He spent about, oh, 10 seconds, analyzing the problem and then did two things that any homeowner with a brain would do:

1) He oiled the track. WD-40 all over that bastard

2) He turned a knob on the garage door opener

I don't know if you've ever looked at a garage door opener, the actual device that hangs from the roof of a garage and opens the door, but it's mostly a black box. There aren't a jillion buttons or switches on it. As it turns out, there's basically just one knob and it controls how easily the door will refuse to close. Ours was set to the lowest setting, labeled "Wussy". The repair guy moved it to "Don't Be A Damn Wuss" setting, near the middle.

$85 later, our door operates like a dream. I is dumb. I even own WD-40, but it never occurs to me to use it to fix things. I kind of just figured it was for decorating my shelves to make me look manly. It failed.

The repairman also noticed that the wood in our garage door is fairly rotten and needs to be replaced. He generously offered to write up a quote for me. At this point he realized that I had no clue what was going on in my garage so he did his best to fill the air with bluster.

"Oh, and you see this spindle here? On the OUTSIDE of the track? Man, I don't know who did this work, but if I replace your door, I'll put that on the INSIDE of the track. It's a cleaner look. Very sweet. You are going to like that."

You know, all this time, I felt that something was wrong in my life, and I couldn't quite pinpoint it. Unsatisfying job? Life without spirituality? No, it was the placement of that goddamn spindle. I cannot freakin' WAIT for that baby to move three inches to the right. It's going be very sweet. I am going to like that.

On the positive side of things, the two guys from the advertising agency are coming back to interview me again tomorrow for another $200. I can't wait to take that cash and ask an electrician to turn on some lights on my house. It gets dark at night.

15 comments:

zelda1 said...

Okay, I'm laughing and laughing and laughing. Not at you, well maybe a little at you, but at the whole bought a house and can't figure out what to do except stock the shelves with oil. I am so there, well Mr. Zelda is. He buys every single power tool made, our garage at our house down in the valley is filled with shop vacs, we have no shop, air pressure machines, both large and small, and many power tools and hand held tools known to man. He has them neatly arranged and shows them off to all his manly friends. They admire his stuff. I needed a shelf put up, one little shelf, and after waiting and waiting, called my friend, who is a manly woman, and she came over dressed in cover alls and sporting a leather tool belt and while Mr. Zelda talked to her, she put up my shelf. I love my diverse friends. They can do more than screw in my lightbulbs.

Janelle Renee said...

Maybe the "advertising guys" are really making a movie about you. A mockumentary, perhaps? How much do you know about them?

Janelle Renee said...

You have the BEST word verification words!

The last one was "doothol."

This one is "hotqqsf."

If I wasn't so busy (shut up!), I'd come up with some killer definitions.

Mike said...

Zelda1, must...not... make...joke... about..what... else...manly... woman...is... screwing.

jr, I don't understand. What could there possibly be to mock about me?
Also, I'm sorry you're too busy to be witty.

Janelle Renee said...

I'm sticking my tongue out at you.

----
ezcabgs-- a weird skin disease

doothol-- how the lazy spent their time

hotqqsf-- aka "the castro"
-----

That's right... bow to my quick wit.

Mike said...

Watch that tongue, jr. Your face may get stuck that way.

Thomas said...

Hello from "NPR Land."

Mike said...

Thomas, well, hello right back atcha from Rice-a-roni land.

Anonymous said...

fallen and I cannot get up

Janelle Renee said...

Mike has that affect on people.

Mike said...

Anon, we here at IAPtGUaAT prefer a more clever form of discourse. Please try again.

jr, you try to mock me? Me??? It would have been more effective if you hadn't mixed up affect and effect.

ZING!

Janelle Renee said...

Damn, you got me there. I wouldn't been more affective had I wrote effective.

Mike said...

jr, I have nothing witty left to say, but damned if I'll let you get the last word in my blog.

The Tart said...

Tarty giggle, hmmmmmmm...

I've fallen & don't want to get up, natch. ; )

DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA, U 2 need to get on a boat in San Antonio and relax. ; )

Smooch,
The Tart

Mike said...

Tart, I've visited the River Walk area thingee in San Antonio once. I wasn't on a boat though, and I really have no idea if jr was there. I have no idea how long she's been following me.