The family is heading to Los Angeles this weekend to help some friends celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary. 50 years is an unfathomably long time to be married. I can't even imagine what my wife and I would talk about after 5 decades of marriage:

Me: This new jet pack hurts my back.
Wife: Uh huh
Me: Did I ever tell you about the time...
Wife: YES! OF COURSE YOU DID! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, JUST SHUT UP!!

I suppose that's not so bad.

We'll be spending Sunday at Disneyland. I know what you're all thinking. You're saying, "Mike, you're such an efficiency whore. How ever will you optimize your time at Disneyland to maximize fun? You whore, you!"

I'm not sure why you're all calling me a whore. It's hostile and inappropriate. I'm kind of weirded out now.

Anyways, back to the efficiency issue. As we all know, everything is available on the Internet: midget donkey porn, mediocre business integration software, and excruciatingly self-centered blogs. So, why not programs that allow you to schedule your day in Disneyland down to the very minute? Why the hell not.

So, I've downloaded this software called RideMax, where you enter the parameters of your trip (what day you're going, what rides you like, whether you walk fast or slow, how much of a control freak you are, etc), and then it gives you minute-by-minute instructions on how to spend your time. They have been gathering data for years, recording the length of the various ride lines at various times of day, days of the week, and seasons. This is either genius or a sign that human beings are about to become extinct. Either way, as long as the extinction thing doesn't happen before this weekend is over, it's all good.

The program produces instructions like this:

8:00am: Get in line for the goddamn Tea Cup ride
- Line duration: 8 minutes
- Ride duration: 4 minutes:

8:12am: Vomit

8:13am: Walk to Space Mountain

8:19am: Get in line for Space Mountain
- Line duration: 11 minutes
- Ride duration: 5 minutes:

8:35am: Regret decision to buy RideMax software

8:35:30am: Vomit/Urinate.

etc

So, does planning software like this maximize my fun? Or suck the last bit of joy out of a day at an amusement park. I guess we'll find out....