Things that will be different in my next home:

1) The tile in the bathroom will have a curly-hair pattern to camouflage the omnipresent pubes.

2) The floor in my office will be 100% level, ensuring that I do not accidentally roll away from my desk, which, while comedic, reduces productivity.

3) The distance between my house and the neighbors house will be greater than the current one centimeter. Just as I don't care to hear the sounds of them making a midnight snack while I lay in bed, I suspect they find that snack less appealing upon hearing the gruntish sounds of my lovemaking.

4) The house will be located outside of San Francisco's foggiest neighborhood, ensuring that I get at least a few hours of sunshine per week in the summer.

5) Smaller (or at least more concretey) backyard. Screw yardwork.