Friday, June 10, 2005

Some poor schmo got to my blog today by searching on "teach the steps to give myself a hand job on my penis"


You have come to the wrong place.

Alright, I don't profess to be the Dr. Ruth of the blogosphere, but I'm going to do my good deed of the day and help out this poor sod. He's obviously hurting if he got to my site because I'm not even in the top page of results for this fine query (although, oddly, I do currently appear in Yahoo's top 20 for it). So, this post is dedicated to that guy who can't figure out how to jerk off. The rest of you? Please give us a moment.

Hombre, give this a shot.

Step 1) Wrap your dominant hand around your wiener. Grasp it firmly. Whoa, cowboy! Not that firmly!

Step 2) Make with the uppy-downy motion.

Step 3) Improvise with your other hand. Some guys love the nipples while others are all about the testicles. Many use their other hand to operate the mouse. Additional options include making the sign of the cross or doing nothing.

Step 4) Repeat.

Step 5) Repeat lots more.

Ta freakin' dah! Eat your heart out, WebMD.

Some blogs are totally narcissistic. Not mine. I'm all about helping people. I'm so proud.


Will said...

::jaw drop:: Just the variation in post topics... Wonder if he came back.

Mike said...

Will, if not him, the next guy who can't find his own penis.

The Wife said...

Actually, the dude said "teach", not "learn". I think he was looking for help on how to teach his girlfriend or something. But your post is helpful either way. I myself hadn't thought of that whole "uppy-downy" thing before.

Mike said...

Wife, I'm glad you've learned about the uppy-downy thing. Frankly, I'm weary of your side-to-side action. Although the thwap of my penis richocheting from one side to the other has humor value, it lacks the erotic aesthetic I think you're going for.