Thursday, May 19, 2005

Ok, final notes on my Vegas trip, then we're back to the usual cutesy stories about daughter taking a crap, or maybe tips on how to more efficiently stare into space.

In no particular order:

1) The Palms casino was hosting what they called "Dennis Rodman's Birthday Party". Sure enough, I saw Dennis exiting the casino and getting into a Palms Escalade. I yelled "Happy birthday, Dennis!" to him and refrained from tacking on "you big prick!"

I'm pretty sure he waved back. Big Daddy agreed that it was a wave, but that it only included one finger.

2) The showrooms at the Riviera casino are literally infested with giant flying beetles and moths. Although the showgirls took the infestation in naked stride, the comedians were visibly flustered. The comedy show was the very worst I have ever seen. Not only did they use old jokes that you'd see in an Internet email, but watching the comedians get freaked out over the beetles was easily the funniest thing on stage.

3) If you only have time to see one poorly-lit, vermin-infested, awkwardly-choreographed topless revue this year, I highly recommend the Crazy Girls show at the Riviera.

Seriously, what's with the poorly lit topless revue? You've got a stage full of attractive women with expensive implants and you're not going to bath them in light? Idiots! There was one number where they kept the spotlight trained on the women's faces. Crikey, it's not the stage version of the Ya Ya Sisterhood, it's Crazy Girls, a T&A show.

Frankly, the girls weren't even crazy. Judging by their pained smiles and stilted movements, I'd guess they were merely constipated.

4) Big Daddy is good friends with an interior designer. He tells me that copper is the new stainless steel. It's times like these that I hate being such a fashionista. All new cock rings for 2005.

5) We spent an hour at the piano bar in Harrah's which featured dueling piano players whose repertoire consisted entirely of songs that everyone can sing in their sleep. Watching drunken casino guests sing and stumble around to the cheesiest hits of the 90s, 80s, 70, and 60s was fairly entertaining. I was able to make some astute observations about my fellow humans:

- If you are a drunk cute overweight woman, you LOVE, I mean LOOOOOVE Bon Jovi. Based on the 10-or-so data points I saw that evening, this is a statistical fact.

- If you are a drunk Marine in a piano bar, you LOOOVE the song YMCA, and are gay. No worries, I won't tell.

6) Everyone was laughing and playing grab-ass on the flight into Vegas. Everyone was asleep on the flight out.

Next time I am absolutely going to have one of those trips to Vegas where everyone comes home all sheepish and embarrassed and infected. This time, what happened in Vegas, ended up in this blog. Oooh, I think there's a whole line of T-shirts in this theme:

"I went to Vegas, and all I got was this lousy blog post"
"My husband went to Vegas, and all I got was this lousy case of gonorrhea"

Eh, maybe not.


Lisa said...

As someone in the midst of new home construction, your friend is right, copper is the new stainless steel. However, it's damn expensive so no thanks.

If you get the copper cock ring, please post pics. Think it will turn your cock green if you leave it on long enough?

Mike said...

Oh, good point about the green. Geez, I think having a penis the color of the Incredible Hulk without the size would be a bad idea. I'll rethink this plan. Thanks!

Lisa said...

I'm not so sure, your wife might be impressed by the HULK cock. *nudge nudgde*

Mike said...

Well, her favorite color is green....

Tasty said...

BWAHAHAH! I especially loved your use of the phrase "data points." Business speak. Hehehe. Also, being a really cute fat girl, I obviously missed the Bon Jovi memo. GAH! I need to be apprised of these things. Bastards.

Mike said...

Tasty, I resent your implication that my statistical analysis is incorrect. I'd suggest that you need to look deep within yourself and reassess. However, if you must insist that I'm wrong, I can tell you that any good statistician knows that there's always at least one data point that needs to be thrown out. Tasty, I guess you are that data point.