Sunday, May 29, 2005

I'd like to thank everyone who posted words of advice or sympathy regarding the ostracization of my dear daughter. This corner of the blogosphere is a tender and wise place. Let me close out the issue (for now) by saying that my wife had a good chat with my daughter's kindergarten teacher. She assures us that we're hearing all the bad stories from Daisy and few of the good, and that the situation is not so dire. Hopefully her assessment is accurate. She also made some suggestions in the how-to-get-along-with-other-little-kids department that seem decent.

So, despondency is postponed for the time being. On to more important things.

I saw Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith last week. Although I enjoyed this movie, I found it tremendously mockable. Let us mock.

Top Five Most Mockable Things about Revenge of the Sith
(Spoilers ahead, but who really gives a crap?)

5) Digital Projection - George Lucas is ga-ga for showing his movies via digital projection. This technology is supposedly great for showing a sharp image that doesn't degrade over multiple viewings. What it sucks at though, is showing diagonal lines. As it turns out, there are diagonal lines in pretty much every scene, and they all look like tiny staircases. Someone in profile? Staircase nose. Are they moving? Escalator nose. My eyes were constantly drawn to these digital artifacts.

4) R2D2 as an offensive juggernaut - R2D2 was a fantastic fighting force in this movie. He shot laser-like electricity out of various orifices, leapt to incredible heights, and generally kicked robot ass. Why is it that in the subsequent movies, Episodes 4, 5, and 6, his offensive powers are limited to slowly rolling across very flat surfaces? What gives, R2?

3) Politics - Apparently George Lucas is a Democrat. Bad guy extraordinaire, Chancellor Palpatine, is an exaggerated and thinly veiled version of Dubya. The evidence is documented decently here. Now, who here wants their shoot-em-up science fiction movie filled with overly-simplistic political commentary? Next time, save it for your blog, George.

2) "Nooooooooooooo!" - When Anakin as Darth Vader learns that his beloved Padme has died, he stretches out his evil arms, and cries to the heavens, "Nooooooooo!". What pop-culture rock has George Lucas been hiding under that prevented him from realizing that this scene is a cliche? It's practically a humor genre! I've seen ironic versions of this scene a dozen times on the Simpsons, The Daily Show, and many other places. George Lucas's version was, unsurprisingly, irony-free.

1) Anakin vs Obi Wan - The ultimate battle in this movie is between Anakin and Obi Wan. It occurs before Anakin gets clad in his evil/cheesy black suit and it's near the end of the movie, so virtually every movie-goer knows that somehow Obi Wan will disfigure him. However, the script has built up Anakin's fighting prowess throughout the movie. He is often touted as the most gifted of the Jedis, just filled to the freakin' brim with The Force. So, we're all left wondering, how will Obi Wan best him? Will Anakin be distracted by Padme's cries for help? Will the molten lava that surrounds their battle rise up and eat Anakin alive? No, nothing so clever. Instead, at one point, Obi Wan leaps to a mound that is about 2 feet higher than Anakin and declares, "Give it up, Anakin! I've got the higher ground!". When Anakin attackes, Obi Wan neatly slices off his limbs. That's it? Higher ground?!?! That's all Lucas could write? Don't these Jedis hop around like fleas normally? Apparently all one really needs to defeat the world's most powerful Jedi is a step stool.

All that being said, I rate this movie as the 3rd best Star Wars. Episodes 4 and 5 are my top 2, but those insufferable Ewoks doomed episode 6 to teddy bear hell. Episodes 1 and 2 obviously sucked major assage.


nomax said...

Most of the movie has faded from my memory after a mere 4 days. My favorite moment was sneeking a look at your reaction to the "Noooooooooo!" and seeing the impossibility of repressing a laugh taking over your face. I love audience participation.

Mike said...

Nomax, now I'm all creeped out. Quit looking at me!