Thursday, February 24, 2005

It's been weeks since I complained about my nose. Weeks! Let the silence end.

So, for the last few days my nose has looked like this fine keychain:

(the one on the right)

This has been especially annoying the last few nights. I'll be on the verge of sleepiness when I'll suddenly feel a drop of snot about to leap from my nostril onto the pillow. I'm then forced to get a kleenex and soak up the offending fluids. If I'm feeling particularly snotty, I'll try to blow my nose verrrrry quietly, so as not to wake the wifey. I played this game for hours last night. I lost.

Today I'm still a snot factory, pumping out mucus like it's going out of style (it's not out of style yet, is it?). I understand that this is part of the nose's job, to rid the body of nasty germies, but the whole mechanism seems poorly designed. Why put the germ disposal system right in the middle of my face?

How did this happen? For the religious among you, this must be God's will, right? On the sixth day God created Man and put the feces excretory system in the ass (good good, that's out of the way), the urine excretory system in the penis (also very good, the penis is a convenient place for this), and the mucus excretory system smack dab in the middle of the face (odd, no?). They say that God moves in mysterious ways. This is no mystery, this is a Divine sense of humor that borders on sadistic (no offense, God, mad props on the rest of the work. No need for the smiting.).

For the less religious among you, this must be evolutionary forces at work, right? So, there must have been some creature that didn't squirt mucus from its face and it was marginally successful at surviving on Earth. Then, in a mutation masterstroke, one of these creatures was born with a snot hose on its face, spraying mucus like a fountain. Suddenly that creature was Big Man on Campus, screwing chicks right and left, and beating the crap out of the other creatures whose faces weren't covered in snot.

That doesn't ring true either. No matter how I slice it, I can't figure out how this came to be. Frankly, the only theory that has any credibility (follow the money) is to assume that this has been a phenomenally successful conspiracy orchestrated by the evil geniuses at Kleenex. Bastards!

Regardless, here's my 6-step plan for addressing this human design error:

Step 1) Study anatomy, surgery, robotics, and tubing technology
Step 2) Acquire test subjects
Step 3) Perfect technique of rerouting snot from the nasal passages directly to the bowels
Step 4) Perform operation on self utilizing clever little robots
Step 5) Poop snot
Step 6) Profit!

Genius, no?


Colby said...

Mike, help! I am in your fair city and completely stranded without free Wi-Fi! I'm commenting from the safe haven of the Apple Store, but I may not be able to bunker down much longer! Van Ness and Pine, I need a signal near Van Ness and Pine!

Mike said...

Colby! Welcome to our fair city. I'm not the great source of wifi information that I appear to be, but I did email you a couple of URLs. Good luck, man!

tinyhands said...

I don't want my nose connected to my ass. Back to the drawing board.

Mike said...

Tiny, I guess I should have posted my surgical blueprints. It's not that I'm connecting your nose to your ass, it's an internal connection between your nasal passages/sinuses and your ass. All that snot? Straight to the bowels.

And, with the excellent pictures you've posted on your blog, I feel like you should be my first test subject. Just send evidence of medical insurance and we can begin.

amy said...

i had the same problem early this morning around 3AM... out of nowhere i couldn't breathe. remember i had five facial surgeries a year ago to FIX THIS PROBLEM. um, it didn't work. i didn't want to fiddle with the nose so i did what granny matilda would have recommended (god rest her soul)..i shoved VICKS vapor rub up the nostrils to calm down the flow and stuffiness. i slept like a baby till 10AM this morning.

Mike said...

Misfit, you know I've had a baby, and they sleep like crap. So, if you mean that you shoved a Vicks up your nose, and then you spent the rest of the night crying and whining for your pacifier, then I think I'll stay away from the Vicks. Thanks though.