Wednesday, January 26, 2005

My internet connection has been out all day. This. has. been. horrible. All those bits, just out of reach. My penis has shrunk from the mere absence of penis-enlargement spam. Tragic, really.

I spent a while imagining what was going on in my favorite websites: Slashdot heralding the arrival of the IPod Mike, CNN.com reporting that Osama Bin Laden and George W. Bush have fallen in love, and everyone abuzz over the new Angelina Jolie - Scarlett Johansson sex tape.

One of my friends describes living without the Internet as "camping". That's a pretty good metaphor. If I could replace my empty browser screen with a campfire, we'd be even closer. There's nothing quite like roasting marshmallows over an LCD monitor. Mmmmmm, raw.

I tried playing the game where you call tech support and they just suggest stupid crap until you eventually give up. Ok, I'll reboot. Yes, I'll turn my router off and on. Alright, I have now inserted the modem into my sphincter. I call this game Tech Support Twister. After I had placed my left foot on Blue and my right hand on Murderous Frustration, they finally informed me that there was a DSL outage in my area. I removed the modem from my ass and thanked them for their efficient service.

Then I tried using my dial-up service. Although it was technically possible for me to get my work done that way, it was hardly a convenient way to download porn. Those dial-up speeds are downright erection-losing.

Wow, a whole post on my DSL outage and nearly every single paragraph contained a mention of either my penis, my ass, or homosexual coupling. That's top-notch blogging.

12 comments:

amy said...

i read the word penis and got excited. then i continued reading and got bored. um, sorry about that. how does one get on your fine side bar of "great blogs to check out"... merely bored and curious as the same time. i need to get to bed. goodnight.

Mike said...

Dang! This is suddenly a tough crowd. I thought that bit about Tech Support Twister wasn't half bad, but next time I'll try to insert more penis references into it.

As for my "Other Fine Blogs" list, those are blogs that I've been reading for a long time. They're all funny, they're better than this blog, and I wouldn't hesitate to recommend them to any of my friends or anyone that enjoys my blog. Seemed like a reasonable set of criteria.

tinyhands said...

You had me until you implied that you don't have "backup porn" ... that's just not realistic.

Mike said...

Backup porn? That's some sort of anal thing, right? You know that's not kosher here in San Francisco.

Stacey said...

Tragic is getting the penis enlargement spam and not having a penis. Somehow it end up making me feel so short changed ...

As for my opinion, great post! You can never have enough penis, ass and/or homosexual references to satisfy the masses. We'll always want MORE.

Thanks for keeping it top-notch. I always appreciate the smile I get from reading your entries.

Mike said...

Thanks, Stacey! That's the type of ego stroking that we 've come to expect from comments on personal blogs. Ahhhh.

On a more serious note, I think you and Inky should have some sort of catfight to resolve this difference of opinion once and for all. Your choice of venues, jello or mud.

Stacey said...

Going to have to pass on that idea. Jello makes me break out in hives and mud just isn't sanitary ...

Mike said...

A lesser man would suggest oil, or perhaps pudding. I shall not stoop to that level. This is a dignified forum.

Stacey said...

The sarcastic side of me wants to ask, "Since when?" The nice side of me wants to apologize for that remark.

Never mind, I've no idea what I'm saying. It's too late for cognitive thought.

And it depends on the flavor of the pudding. Although it's a big no on the oil.

Mike said...

Chocolate?

Stacey said...

I'm all in ...

Mike said...

And with a poker metaphor no less! Pinch me!