Thursday, January 27, 2005

Day Two of the Great DSL Outage. Oh, before I forget. Penispenispenispenispenispenispenis. Ok.

I've now spoken to the tech support people at SBC three times and I think I'm getting insights into how they debug these issues. At first, I was confused by a noise I heard in the background. It sounded like this:

ThwackThwackThwackThwackThwack... Thwack... Thwack...... Thwack......... Thwack............ Thwack............... Th...wack.

I heard it each time the SBC employee attempted to discern the source of my technical issue, but the answer was different every time. ThwackThwack, you need to reboot. ThwackThwack, there's a DSL outage in your area. ThwackThwack, your modem has hemorrhoids.

I eventually realized that this noise was some sort of spinning wheel, not unlike the one used in Wheel of Fortune. They'd spin this bastard and wherever it landed, that was their diagnosis. This totally explained their ever-changing explanations for my problem. ThwackThwack, you overloaded your modem with midget-donkey porn. Silly me. I should have asked earlier what the maximum allowed amount of midget-donkey porn was.

Eventually they sent an actual human being to my house. Although he was a pleasant and seemingly competent fellow, I will take blogerary license and portray him as some sort of numbskull.

So, this total imbecile stumbles into my house, muttering "Derrrrr! Derrrrrr!" and I show him to the scene of the crime. He turns the "Midget-Donkey Porn" knob up to 11, but that still doesn't fix the problem. He then plugs various devices into various orifices in my home, in some sort of debugging orgy, but the technician seems lost without his trusty decision-making wheel. He whimpers and rocks back and forth. To pacify him I hand him some dice, and I make the thwack-thwack noise while he rolls them. He looks blankly at the resulting snake-eyes and I urge him to call for backup.

A few phone calls later he discovers that about 2000 people in the area had their DSL turned off and somehow mine never got turned back on. Oh, those jokesters at SBC. The magic switch at imbecile headquarters was flipped and POOF! DSL has been restored.

Ahhh, sweet bountiful bits.



Stacey said...

Holy gratuitous use of the word penis! Your wordsmith skills continue to thrill and amaze me.

At least you're DSL is back in action.

Mike said...

What can I say. I have a way with the penis.

amy said...

i scanned over the blog quickly stopped dead in my tracks at the word penis and was turned on for a brief millisecond till i read the rest of the stuff. aaaarrrghh....sorry get back to more funny stuff. please!

Mike said...

Inky, as it turns out I only have so many things to say about my bathroom neuroses, which I know you dearly enjoy. I think we share those neuroses.

However, I am a man of many neuroses. I can fret about my Internet access, being late, running, corrupting my daughter, or any number of other exciting topics. Life is a cornucopia of things that can go awry, and I intend to celebrate many of them here.

I'm considering writing a post about snot. I'm sure that will tickle your fancy.

Anonymous said...

oh gosh i didnt mean to offend you my friend. i'm sorry. i just read your goods late at night... and usually you leave me feeling very very stress free believe it or not... i look forward with glee to read about boogers. i really do love the stories about your daughter.. my fav is still her shouting out to the neighborhood she is still in the same pair of underpants from the night before. god bless five year olds. goodnight. inky

Mike said...

Inky, I was not offended. I'm one of those people who usually misses it even when people DO intend to offend me, so you'd definitely have to try harder anyway. Thanks for the nice comment though.