Day Two of the Great DSL Outage. Oh, before I forget. Penispenispenispenispenispenispenis. Ok.
I've now spoken to the tech support people at SBC three times and I think I'm getting insights into how they debug these issues. At first, I was confused by a noise I heard in the background. It sounded like this:
ThwackThwackThwackThwackThwack... Thwack... Thwack...... Thwack......... Thwack............ Thwack............... Th...wack.
I heard it each time the SBC employee attempted to discern the source of my technical issue, but the answer was different every time. ThwackThwack, you need to reboot. ThwackThwack, there's a DSL outage in your area. ThwackThwack, your modem has hemorrhoids.
I eventually realized that this noise was some sort of spinning wheel, not unlike the one used in Wheel of Fortune. They'd spin this bastard and wherever it landed, that was their diagnosis. This totally explained their ever-changing explanations for my problem. ThwackThwack, you overloaded your modem with midget-donkey porn. Silly me. I should have asked earlier what the maximum allowed amount of midget-donkey porn was.
Eventually they sent an actual human being to my house. Although he was a pleasant and seemingly competent fellow, I will take blogerary license and portray him as some sort of numbskull.
So, this total imbecile stumbles into my house, muttering "Derrrrr! Derrrrrr!" and I show him to the scene of the crime. He turns the "Midget-Donkey Porn" knob up to 11, but that still doesn't fix the problem. He then plugs various devices into various orifices in my home, in some sort of debugging orgy, but the technician seems lost without his trusty decision-making wheel. He whimpers and rocks back and forth. To pacify him I hand him some dice, and I make the thwack-thwack noise while he rolls them. He looks blankly at the resulting snake-eyes and I urge him to call for backup.
A few phone calls later he discovers that about 2000 people in the area had their DSL turned off and somehow mine never got turned back on. Oh, those jokesters at SBC. The magic switch at imbecile headquarters was flipped and POOF! DSL has been restored.
Ahhh, sweet bountiful bits.