Theoretically, my job as a parent is to raise a happy, healthy, and, productive child. That's all well and good, but my super-secret goal (shhhhhh!) is to raise a cool kid.

[Pop psychology factoid: Parents inevitably try to fix their own failings through their children.]

So, when my daughter recently began doing some trash-talkin' during a heated match of Scrabble Junior, I was beside myself with glee. She was waggling her derriere at my wife, squealing "Kiss my booty butt!". My wife was, appropriately, both amused and disdainful. I think she made some comment about not encouraging this behavior, but the carpet fluff that got lodged in my ears, from rolling around with laughter, prevented me from hearing well.

Another important lesson in raising a cool kid is being careful what they watch on TV. Many parents claim to do this, but few truly understand how to use the television as a teaching device. Early on, my wife and I recognized the danger of Barney. That insipid beast would have no part in influencing our child. As it turns out, however, Barney is not the only danger on television. Much of the programming aimed at younger children is filled with lessons, morals, do-gooders, and other garbage sure to get your child beat up on the playground. Although our daughter seems to eat up this crap, we've been tempering it with some small helpings of Looney Toons. Finally our child will understand the true meaning of humor. Let Acme anvils and dynamite feature prominently in her dreams.

Sleep well, sweet girl. You are the coolest.