1) There would be a period of years where I had to wipe someone else's ass for them.
2) Teenagers suck.
I knew there would be a bunch of stuff in the middle, but I figured that part was unknowable. I mean, the rearing you do for a kid who ends up being an accountant is probably different than the rearing you'd do for a kid who ends up being Charlie Sheen. What I've learned, however, is that in between phases 1 and 2 from above, there is a multi-year phase that all binds almost all parents together.
I refer, of course, to the lice years.
Ever since Daisy started school, we've received announcements several times a year warning us of the latest lice outbreak. It's apparent, at least in big cities, that lice never goes away, it just moves around from one gaggle of children to another. The cycle takes just long enough to make you think that maybe you're finally past that phase of parenting. It visits Daisy's school a couple times a year.
We always check in with Daisy when we hear these announcements to see if her scalp is itchy. Usually it isn't, and we figure we're safe. This last time, however, she felt itchy. Very itchy.
"Oh no," said Hank, "I feel itchy too."
This was not what I wanted to hear. I scratched my head in thought and... Dammit! I was itchy too! Argh! I made a mental note to never touch my child again.
I don't know if you've ever checked another human being for lice, but it is a time-consuming, frustrating, and generally ooky-feeling activity. It makes me feel incompetent and dirty (but not in the same way that sex makes me feel incompetent and dirty).
So, last week we paid to have someone come to our house and check us for lice! Like we're apes with money instead of a social group! I'm so proud.
Turns out, we're lice-free! Daisy's new shampoo probably makes her itchy, while Hank and I probably suffer from psychosomatic itchiness. Man, even just thinking about that lice makes me itchy RIGHT now. Don't you feel itchy thinking about your scalp crawling with lice? Contemplate that for a moment.
Nobody ever thinks about this part of parenting when they're putting their penis in their wife's vagina. Imagine how many fewer children there would be if people had to read this blog post before having sex! My blog is the ultimate birth control. You are welcome.