Saturday, October 30, 2010

For the last few weeks I've been working at a new job and there's a lot to discuss about it.  I'm working with technology that's new to me, I'm commuting using a combination of bike and trains, and for the first time in nearly 20 years, my manager is a stranger.

So, let's talk about the bathroom at work.

Problem 1A is the door.  It's surprisingly hard to push.  I eventually learned that you need to launch at the door with a strong running start, but for the first few days, I'd give the door a push without breaking my stride and soon find myself shoving it open with my face.  I'm sure that watching new weak-armed programmer after new weak-armed programmer face-plant into the door is good comedy for the fleet of women whose desks are in clear view of the mens room door.  That brings me to...

Problem 1B, which is the the fact that there's no entryway between the bathroom door and the places where I do my business.  So, when I'm admiring myself in the mirror, or using my patent-pending bank-it-off-the-sidewall technique at the urinal, each time the bathroom door opens, I'm in full view of all the women who work just outside that door.  Hi ladies!  Yes, I'm peeing AGAIN!

Speaking of full view, problem 2 is the doors to the toilet stalls.  They are what I'd call gappy.  If I'm sitting in there, doing my business (i.e. sitting on the toilet and looking at my phone) and someone face-plants their way into the bathroom, I can easily look through the gap and see who it is.  Not cool, dude.  If I can see them, then they can see me, sitting there with my pants around my ankles making unholy things come out of my ass.

I'm seriously considering a the-best-defense-is-a-good-offense strategy for dealing with this.  Maybe I don't even bother closing the stall door and holler greetings to people as they enter the bathroom.

"Yo, compadre, good morning!  How's the coffee this morn.... hang on a sec........  UNNNNHHHHHH...  WOOO!  That was a MONSTER dump!  High five, dude!"

Or maybe I'll keep the door shut and cower behind my cellphone.

Finally, problem 3 is the dizzying array of things that I can squirt on my hands at the sink.  There's two kinds of liquid soap, two kinds of moisturizer, and a bottle of hand sanitizer.  As my coworker, Wesley, noted, "it's an amazingly complex handwashing system."

I'm guessing that layering them in this order is the right answer: Soap A, Moisturizer A, Hand Sanitizer, Soap B, Moisturizer B, but I am accepting advice on this topic.


Lola said...

If you receive any advice on that topic, please pass it on. Actually, I'd be very surprised indeed if you receive any advice on any of the topics in your post - but then, that's why I read it. And congratulations on having a job!

Mike said...

No advice so far, but thanks! I'm delighted to be employed.