An Open Letter to the zucchini in my backyard:
You are a monster.
You are a rude, dirt-hogging, sunshine-blocking, voracious weed of a creature that extrudes vile-tasting lumps with the psychotic intensity of a diarrhetic serial killer. Also, your leaves are ugly. And yo momma wears combat boots.
It all started so innocently. I built a little raised bed to grow some vegetables, and I planted a few rows of tiny plants and seeds. Amongst these garden babies, as a favor to my wife, I naively placed exactly two small zucchini seeds. At first, I was delighted with how quickly your leaves burst from the soil. I imagine this is similar to the feeling a family might feel after adopting an adorable kitten, only later to find that their kitten was growing into a lion, or velociraptor.
After a few days of coming home and finding that you had encroached further and further and further in the yard, I became slightly alarmed. I laid in bed at night, wondering if the next knock at the door would be a giant zucchini leaf. In saner moments, I knew that particular fear was unfounded. Obviously you'd bash through the bedroom window long before you developed the manners required to knock.
I don't know why I didn't kill you when I had the chance. I should have realized that any plant too vile for the caterpillars to eat, was too evil too live.
Now, you excrete these bitter vegetables sausages with a recklessness that borders on criminal. Each time I inspect you, rooting through your hairy leaves (which, by the way, give me hives!), I invariably find a slew of your novelty sized turds. Today, after having ignored you for a handful of days, I found these horrid things:
That big one on the right? (I placed a quarter on it for perspective). It weighs 5.5 pounds. THAT'S JUST NOT NORMAL! YOU ARE AN EVIL ALIEN PLANT AND YOU SPEW DISGUSTING TURDLETS.
Seriously, your strategy for reproducing involves creating these gigantic bitter monstrosities? Have you considered, I don't know, just releasing some seeds into the air? Or maybe placing a Craigslist ad? Wouldn't that make more sense?
Meanwhile, my wife is convinced that if she can find just the right recipe, it will hide your vileness and then Daisy and I will love you. She has plans for cheesy fried zucchini, and zucchini bread, and zucchini cake, and probably zucchini fellatio. Do you know what happens when she makes fried cheesy zucchini? I do. IT RUINS PERFECTLY GOOD CHEESE AND OIL.
Do you know what's going to happen when she makes zucchini cake? Yep. It's like trying to get rid of rotting meat by putting it in a chocolate chip cookie. HEY, YOU, ROTTING MEAT! I SEE YOU THERE IN THE GODDAMN COOKIE! YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ME!
I had a different idea for what to do with your 5.5 pound baby. I'm going to carve it like a pumpkin. You ruin my meals and I ruin your offspring. That's the deal.
Happy Halloween, zucchini.