My neighbors are pregnant with twins and have been busy preparing for this massive change in their lives by setting up a nursery, buying baby supplies, etc. Well, I assume all that stuff is going on. All I can see from my deck is that the husband has completely immersed himself into redesigning and landscaping their backyard. He's carved a new staircase in the hill, replanted both the lawn and every single plant, shored up the retaining wall, and built a deck. The dude is either the hardest working guy I know, or completely avoiding the fact that he's about to become a father twice over.

His yard is kickass now though. So, on side of my yard, I've got his new gleaming yard, with brand new yard furniture, heat lamps, 3 levels of decks, and a small but lush lawn. On the other side of my yard, my other neighbors have scrupulously maintained their recently redesigned yard, which is simply and elegantly sculpted.

In the middle, of course, is my own weed lot, replete with tarp-covered compost pile, pile of broken yard equipment, and of course, my hand-built caterpillar farm. I really am a miserable disgrace.

Anyway, I like my neighbors very much and was delighted when the new father-to-be, whom we'll call, uh, Hoppy, decided to celebrate/lament his upcoming fatherhood by throwing a backyard bash while his wife attended her baby shower. I was looking forward to hanging with him and the other neighbors for an afternoon of beering.

As it turns out, a lot of people attended, but I was the only neighbor who could make it. So aside from Hoppy, I didn't know anyone there.

I laid back for a bit analyzing the situation and taking stock of the people there. The crowd seemed jokey and boozy, so I cleverly decided to adopt a jokey/boozy persona. I am obviously very adept at this type of psychological analysis and chameleonification.

I promptly downed some beers and make self-deprecating jokes about my backyard. That went pretty well. My sense of humor seemed to jibe pretty well with this crowd. Phase two of my plan involved drinking scotch and making acerbic commentary about parenting. I carefully picked my spots and lobbed out a few lines.

When conversation turned to discussing various stand-up comedians, I promptly interrupted.

"Have you guys seen any Louie C.K. standup? The dude is hilarious and does a great bit on how his kid is an asshole!" I exclaimed excitedly.

What I had forgotten, at that particular instant, is that the most recent person to join the party, had brought his 14 month-old daughter, and was sitting next to me. He got up milliseconds after the phrase "his kid is an asshole" left my mouth, and marched out of the backyard.

Doh! People are hard.

So, uh, Hoppy, sorry about offending your friends.