Monday, November 03, 2008

I'm not sure exactly how many men share the men's bathroom on our floor at work. I'd guess there's about 20 from my side of the building, but there could easily be a dozen more on the other side. All I really know is that at least one of them is incapable of transferring their urine from their penis to the urinal without dumping a lot of it on the ground.

There's not a big puddle on the ground every time I go in there, but it's not that damn rare either. I drink a lot of water, so I'm probably as familiar with that urinal as anyone is. It's been a great mystery to me how someone can miss the urinal. I mean, I could see being all drunk and trying to hit the urinal from several feet away, but that doesn't seem like the sort of game you'd play often in a corporate bathroom. I can even forgive the occasional drop that might get shaken off onto the floor. That's reasonable use right there.

I cannot forgive, however, the vast swimming pools of urine that are occasionally underneath that damn urinal. What the hell?!?! It's like they mis-aimed and then rather than correcting their aim back into the urinal, just shrugged their shoulders instead and let 'er rip on the floor.

I got a clue the other day though. I finished up using the urinal (scoring yet another 100% on the urine-in-the-urinal metric) just as another man came into the bathroom. He was blind, and made his way through the bathroom by batting his white cane around. I lingered a bit at the sink as the man approached the urinal.

Was this it? Was I about to identify the mystery floor pisser?

Nope. Not a goddamn drop dripped on the floor. The goddamn BLIND GUY successfully pissed into the urinal. Whoever is pissing on the floor HAS WORSE AIM THAN THE BLIND GUY.


I mentioned my discovery to Pablo on my way back to my desk. He was appreciative of my urinary sleuthing but mentioned this:

Pablo: Not that I mean to defend the guy pissing on the floor, but you know how sometimes urine can come out sideways? You know, if your penis has been kind of squished?

(Pablo was referring to the fact that the urethra opening at the tip of a penis can get slightly stuck, and can then mis-direct the stream of urine at first, before the opening fully opens. It's vaguely analogous to putting your thumb over the end of a hose (or better yet, pinching it), to make the water squirt out really hard in a diagonal direction)

Me: Yeah, although it doesn't go 90 degrees sideways. It just goes a little to the side. If you aim for the middle of the urinal, you should still be fine.
Pablo: Oh, agreed! And, any grown man has used a urinal thousands of time in their life, and should be well away of how to cope with this situation. You can kind of prep your penis.
Me: Sure.

So, there you have it. Mystery solved. Pablo is the floor pisser.


Lola said...

Well, I've learned something today. And it's only 8.30 am.

Sue said...

Should all boys read this blog as a part of their education?

Meg S. said...

I think sitting on the toilet is underrated for men. It keeps things SO much cleaner for those who have to clean up those puddles Or you could put a roll of towels on top of the urinal 'bank' and leave a note about how it's polite to clean up after yourself. Thank God I have girls.

Anonymous said...

Whaaat? So much for your powers of reasoning. My appreciation of hydrodynamics implies I am _less_ likely to be dampening the soles of your shoes.

So much for good science.

@meg s: I'll go on the record as saying I am a sitter in non-public bathrooms in deference to the women who use the same facilities.


Monica said...

This falls in the category of Education I Have Lived This Far In My Life Without Missing.

And I can never go back.

Mike said...

Lola, you are welcome!

Sue, boys should already know how to use their penis.

Meg, agreed, but I'm not so crazy about sitting on public toilet seats when I don't have to.

Pablo, he who smelt it, dealt it. Or something like that.

Monica, you are welcome!