Tuesday, September 02, 2008

They say that the best personal blogs are the deeply felt ones, where the writer's most intimate feelings pour onto the page, uncensored and unedited.

If I am to be completely honest here and now, I'd have to admit that I do not have that kind of writer's courage. My deepest fears and and most private hopes stay off this page. When something really troubles me and I feel pain in my heart, I don't share those thoughts here. With a few exceptions, this blog is just my place to record things that amuse me or that I want to remember.

So, even though I've been going through a tough patch the last month, I haven't written very much about it. It was just too personal.

What caused my pain? Cell phone companies.

I don't want to go into a lot of detail here, because the wound is still fresh, but the two sentence summary is that my cell phone broke about 5 weeks ago and I exerted Herculean efforts to try and procure a replacement that would make me happy. After spending way too much time, and launching too way too many vendettas against cell phone companies, I am left with what may be the world's worst cell phone.

A guy I work with, whom we'll call Oscar, went through similar problems years ago. He solved them by deciding not to carry a cell phone any more. It just wasn't worth the hassle any more. During the darkest times of the last month, he'd gently suggest that I follow his path.

I now refer to him as "Crazy No Cell Phone Guy". No cell phone?!?!? Crazy! Luddite!

The other reason I didn't want to talk about this in the blog is because stories about cell phone company woes are statistically in the top 2% of the most inane stories. It's like hearing about someone's frustrating airline trip, listening to any story by a 9 year-old, or being subjected to a long description of someone's dream. Those stories always turn out the same way. There are endless barriers preventing the protagonist from getting to their goal, there are a bevy of details that lead nowhere substantive, and there's probably a chicken that's not really a regular chicken but you sort of thought it was a chicken at first.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that even though I now own the world's worst cell phone, I've made my peace with this process. My cell phone now works. I can't browse the web or have light saber battles, but I can make and receive calls and text messages and that'll just have to do.

In fact, I got my first text message on it yesterday. I was coming home from work and Hank texted this to me:

"Can u pick up a box of tampons on your way home?"

Oh sweet beekeeping Jesus. Oscar was right.

15 comments:

Diana said...

You, of all people, should have an iPhone!

Lola said...

Careful, Diana, I suspect the iPhone might have been part of the nightmare scenario that ended with the crappiest cellphone in the world. Lucky for you he doesn't have the light sabre...

Sue said...

Oh, you had me. Could it be the Mike will open up and share his inner self?

No. Cell phones. Blah.

But I did chuckle throughout, so thanks for that.

tinyhands said...

Thank you for not sharing personal stuff. I have enough trouble sleeping as it is.

Mike said...

Diane, I know. I KNOW! Believe me, I tried. I tried 4 times and spent way too many hours. Apple hates me.

Lola, we should all be very sad that I am light-sabre enabled, but aside from that, you're right on.

Sue, I do sort of open up here. It's pretty easy. I'm not very deep.

Tiny, BOO!

Mrs. T. said...

I feel your cell phone pain. Here's a deep personal story that is not out of alignment with most of my life.

Blackberry pearl in my apron pocket. Orange juice carton in hand. Quick turn to yell at children. Orange juice is poured into apron pocket. Hilarity ensues (for others). My phone hates me. I still have a year before I can get a new one. It keeps dialing itself. Ack.

You are not alone.

Meg

Avery Gray said...

There are very few things in this world my husband would deny me, but tampons that he was required to purchase would probably be one of those things. The one time I asked him to get something like that for me (and only because I had just given birth and could hardly move, let alone shop) he called his mom instead. Good thing she was in town.

BTW, have you heard of the Apple iPhone? ;o) You might be able to find something about it on Google if you search long and hard.

Mike said...

Meg, thanks for the sympathy. Your cell phone sounds pretty annoying, although my buddy Pablo has a worse one. He got some fungus in it, and now when someone calls him, his phone reboots.

Avery, buying tampons is hard for a dude. Even if we have explicit instructions, it's still an admission to everyone around us that we have forsaken our testicles. You should know that I hid in the back of the market until everyone I knew had finished shopping.

Also, OF COURSE I TRIED TO GET AN IPHONE. I DEDICATED OVER 4 HOURS OF MY LIFE THAT I'LL NEVER GET BACK TO THAT TASK!

Avery Gray said...

Four hours? What a lightweight.

Mrs. T. said...

It gets better. Just wait till you have to buy them for your wife AND daughter. Of course it also means you're sleeping with someone on a regular enough basis to warrant them sending you on that errand, so that's cool, right?

Fungus huh... Yikes. Don't even want to know how that happened. Has he tried a weak bleach solution and a q-tip?

Mike said...

Avery, they were a really horrible four hours and I cannot reward Apple or AT&T for wasting my time that way.

Meg, his fungus is embedded in the display, underneath the glass. I don't think a qtip is gonna work.

nrd2 said...

and i thought when a guy buys tampons it meant that he was lucky enough to have a girl in his life!

Mike said...

Nrd2, yeah, well, after 12 years the novelty (and luck) wears off.

Jason said...

Hahahahahahahaha!!! It's taken me 11 and 1/2 minutes to write this comment, because I was laughing for 11 straight minutes following "sweet beekeeping jesus". Fantastic.

Mike said...

Jason, I must give credit where credit is due. I am not the author of that phrase. It was stolen from: http://www.izzlepfaff.com/blog/archives/2007/09/autumn_sweater.php#005736