Saturday, July 05, 2008

(Apologies for the post about baseball here, but given that I'm a huge Giants fan, it's pretty amazing that you only get a couple of these a year. Buck up. Plus, this isn't really about baseball as much as it's just me just jerking off in my blog.

Back in the Barry Bonds era, it was pretty easy to be a Giants fan. They were a good team, and as long as you weren't allergic to anabolic steroids, you could enjoy their ability to contend for a playoff berth, even if they'd always break your heart in the end. These days, in the post-Bonds era, wins are rarer and it'll be a surprise if they manage to eke out victories in something near half their games. We still have one of the best players in baseball, but he only plays once every 5 days.

So, why still believe? Am I rooting for the uniforms? For the stylized "SF" logo?

Of course not. I'm rooting for the name.

The Giants have the best team name in all of baseball? Don't believe me? Let's review.

National League West:

Los Angeles Dodgers: Dodgers? As in draft? No? Dodgeball? What are they dodging and how does that related to their ability to hit a baseball? No clue.

San Diego Padres: Really? Hispanic priests? Good luck with that.

Colorado Rockies: Ok, a Rocky Mountain is impressively big, but doesn't really possess the athleticism required to deftly maneuver around a baseball diamond. Nice try.

Arizona Diamondbacks: I guess this is the team you'd least want to be bitten by, but snakes don't really conjure up images of hitting home runs or turning double plays. Maybe if they had limbs.

National League Central:

St. Louis Cardinals: A bird? Come on. Ideally your mascot should be bigger and tougher than than the ball used to play the game.

Chicago Cubs: So close! It's a bear, but a BABY bear. Cute and clumsy doesn't win many games.

Houston Astros: Astro? Like astronaut? That's a great freaking name if you're trying to put together a team of rocket scientists, but no so much if you're trying to hit baseballs.

Cincinnati Reds: A color? Your team is named after a color? Was chartreuse already taken?

Pittsburgh Pirates: When your team can be felled by scurvy, it's time to pick a new team.

Milwaukee Brewers: It's hard to type while laughing, but I'll give it a shot here. Even if we were to ignore the fact that beer brewing skills do not correlate to scoring or preventing runs, what beer making skills are they celebrating in Milwaukee? Is it Pabst Blue Ribbon? Old Milwaukee? Schlitz? You'd be hard pressed to find a town in the world that makes crappier beer. Well done, Milwaukee.

National League East:

Philadelphia Phillies: Now we're just making up names without the slightest bit of creativity Go San Francisco Sanfrans! Way to set reasonable goals Modesto Modests!

Florida Marlins: I don't mean to come across as some sort of limbist, but try playing baseball without arms or legs.

New York Mets: Metropolitans? So, they're from a city? That wasn't already clear from the "New York" part? Go Redundants!

Atlanta Braves: Is there a single Atlanta Brave fan who would actually root for a team full of Native Americans?

Washington Nationals: The newest name in the league is perhaps the most boring. I guess the Washington Bureaucrats was already taken.

American League West:

Oakland Athletics: Hurray Non-specific Physical Specimans! Go Humanoids With Above Average Hand Eye Coordination!

Seattle Mariners: Hands down the best name for an baseball team that plays underwater.

Los Angeles Angels: Intimidating name, eh? You scared of getting your ass kicked by an angel? Me either.

Texas Rangers: They're named after cops. When you think of cops, do you think of home runs or fat dudes eating donuts?

American League Central:

Chicago White Sox: Socks? Really? You named your team after an accessory? Go Belts! Hurray for the Purses!

Minnesota Twins: Hazzah for the semi-rare reproductive quick of nature!

Detroit Tigers: So close! You got a big strong scary animal... without opposable thumbs. I wouldn't want to meet one in a dark alley, but I'm pretty sure I could strike one out.

Kansas City Royals: The name "Royals" doesn't denote any aspect of a monarchy. Instead, it refers to a livestock show held in KC. Yay Sheep! Go Hens!

Cleveland Indians: Again with the Native Americans. Still not a good name.

American League East:

Tampa Bay Rays: This is team that USED to be the Devil Rays until this year when they casually struck the "Devil" from their name when they thought no one was looking. Nice try, you're still basically named after a fish.

Boston Red Sox: Oh, how we hate those white socks, but we root so vigorously for socks of another color! Go primary-colored accessory!

Toronto Blue Jays: Not only a bird, but a really freaking annoying bird, the kind you'd like to hit with a baseball bat.


New York Yankees: Do the New York teams have nothing to celebrate other than the fact that they're in New York? Hurray team that happens to be colocated with their fans!

That leaves the San Francisco Giants. You know what a giant is? It's a REALLY BIG DUDE! One who can smash the hell out of a ball or beat the crap out of opposing teams. Who's going to win a battle between a giant and cardinal? How about a giant and a sock? The color red? You get the idea.

I present the San Francisco Giants: the only team with a name worth rooting for.


Avery Gray said...

Go Pituitary Gland Disorder Sufferers! Nice try.

Mike said...

Nice try yourself! Know what happens when you make fun of giants? They SQUASH you! Your best bet is a slingshot.

Avery Gray said...

Yeah, if they could catch me, I'd welcome them to try to squash me.

BTW, FYI, underwater baseball is the "wave" of the future!


Sorry. Go Mariners!

Mike said...

You know what you need, Avery? A blog of your own where you could post your hilarious puns! I vaguely recall that you used to have one. Whatever happened to it?

yajeev said...

I have to say that you failed to convince me about the "semi-reproductive quick of nature" (ie Minnesota Twins)...

I have a mental image of two lean, limber identical (or fraternal) siblings outquicking, outspeeding, and outsmarting one lumbering giant. Think Davids and Goliath.

Mike said...

Yajeev, really? When I think of twins, I think of these guys.

yajeev said...

funny, that's what i think of when i think of giants.

Mike said...

Yajeev, I'm going to give you some debating points, but you still lose on accuracy. Those guys aren't giants. They are famous twins though.

ciara said...

please, say it isn't so. a giants fan? c'mon. don't get me started on barry bonds. now here's where i tell you that i grew up in san diego. so so. cali teams are close to my heart. do i like the american league? hell to the f no. my husband is an a's fan. only thing worse than the giants are the yankees and the a's. in that order. what it really comes down to for me though, is players who play for the 'love' not the 'money' of the game. don't see that too much anymore. *sigh*

Mike said...

Barry definitely treats baseball as a business more than a love (from what I can tell from afar), but he's not a Giant anymore, so you need a new reason to hate them.