Wednesday, May 28, 2008

An Open Letter to the upstanding beings who stole my wife's ATM card info:

Dear Doucheboxes,

I will admit that I'm impressed that you managed to get a copy of my wife's ATM card and her pin number. Hell, I don't even know her pin number. If you know any other secrets about my wife that you'd like to share, like where her goddamn G-spot is, I'm all ears.

Anyway, kudos to you for your technical wizardry. Your thievery-fu is most impressive.

If I may be so bold, however, I'd like to offer you a bit of advice. The daily withdrawal limit on my card is $400 or $500. Many ATM cards have a similar limit. So, the next time you successfully steal someone's ATM card information, and possess that information for a whopping 19 undetected days, might I suggest that you steal more than $270?

I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, and I mean no disrespect here, but I think you should aim a little higher. I realize that you used the fake card in places where the cost of living is cheaper than San Francisco, so you've maximized your buying power that way, but what's up with the two $100 withdrawals in North Carolina? I guess there's only so much you can spend on smokes, and moonshine is pretty cheap.

And the two paltry $35 purchases in Mexico? Buy the muy expensive tequila, compadre!

So, next time, go for the gold. Try withdrawing $400! EVERY DAMN DAY! I know you can do it, ya big douchebucket.



Sue said...

Oh what a bummer. How DID they get it?

Neel Mehta said...

First, my condolences, but:

Dear Doucheboxes,

I know you can do it, ya big douchebucket.

I had no idea that this particular container industry was diversifying. Learn something new every day...

Mike said...

Hi Sue,

I have no idea. Did one of the contractors in our house have a card reader? Did Hank use an ATM which had been hacked so that someone could "skim" our card information? Something else? I don't know.

Hi Neel, yeah, I was trying to think of a name that was slightly more obnoxious than douchebag. You can see the direction I chose.

Avery Gray said...

I don't know, Mike. If I were going to steal someone's information and use it to bilk them out of their hard-earned cash, I might do it that way. After all, it took 19 whole days for you to catch on. If they'd taken $400 out right off the top, that's not really chump change for a lot of people. But a hundred bucks here and there, that's less likely to be noticed immediately. Better chance of leeching off you undetected for a longer period of time.

Not that I've thought about it or anything. Or that my recent trips to North Carolina and Mexico implicate me in any way...

Mike said...

Hey Avery, yeah, that might be true, but I still think they'd make more money if they'd withdraw the daily maximum every damn day until the card gets shut off. Most people don't check their balances every day. They could have gotten a big chunk of change before the next time I checked my account balance.