Monday, November 26, 2007

No disrespect intended towards your apples, oranges, or cantaloupes, but the finest fruits are the tropical ones. Specifically I speak of mangoes and pineapples, the most delicious of all fruits. (Cantaloupe being the very worst. Blech.)

So, one of the things I was looking forward to in Kauai was partaking of all the fine tropical fruits. When we found ourselves at a farmers market during our first morning on the island, I took full advantage of the situation.

There were no mangoes to be found, so I compensated by buying fruits I had never eaten before. I bought a couple passion fruits, two mangosteens, and a bag of these hairy looking things (pictured to the left). Mostly I was looking forward to the mangosteens because they had the word "mango" right in the name. Yay, mango!

When I was hungry the next day I grabbed a mangosteen (pictured to the right) and peeled off the thin outside rind, which was kind of tough and crumbly. Inside, the meaty flesh was red and rich looking. I carved out a big hunk and popped it into my anxious mouth.

I chewed a couple times in disbelief.

This was the worst thing I had ever tasted. It was bitter, vile, and completely inedible. I spat it out.

I shrieked in pain and disbelief and sought out my usual source of comfort: Google. A few moments later I had my answer. Apparently the red part isn't the part you eat. The edible part is the bulbous white part. Who knew? I cautiously popped one of those babies in my mouth and was rewarded with a rich sweet and tart flavor. Much better.

I wasn't going to make the same mistake twice though, so I googled the rest of the fruit. The passion fruit was easy to google because I knew the name, but what about that weird red one?

I spent a minute googling different combinations of the words: hairy red testicle tropical fruit, and I soon found my answer. It was a rambutan, also known as a lychee. I had eaten these before! It turns out the yummy part is also the white part. Yay for the hairy testicle fruit!

So, the moral of the story is that if you're going to go to Kauai, in addition to bringing tools for killing roosters, you should also bring Google.


Avery Gray said...

Yeah. Just bring Google everywhere. Life is too risky without it.

I'm impressed that your apt description of the hairy red testicle tropical fruit yielded tangible results. I always think I'm so clever by putting quotes around the thing I'm searching, because Heaven knows searching without quotes is like driving in LA without a seatbelt on. Dangerous with a capital D.

Siôn said...

A lot of girls I've known (all 2) have told me that the white bits inside the testicles aren't tasty at all...

Mike said...

Avery, I can't wait until my Google implant. I know it will happen in my lifetime. As for the quote marks, I'd use them sparingly. You wouldn't want to miss the pages that talked about "testicle-shaped hairy fruit" or "testicles with hair fruit".

You'd miss all sort of hairy testicle pages.

Siôn, I've heard that it depends on your diet. Maybe if you ate more mangoes....

carey said...

Good god, Mike, this is the sexiest post I've read all day: "hairy red testicle," "bulbous white part," "meaty flesh," "big hunk," "anxious mouth," "spat it out," and, of course, "lychee." Man, is it hot in here or is it just my mangosteen?

Mike said...

Oh, baby, that's just how I roll. My whole life is filled with sexy spitting, bulbousness, and, of course, hairy testicles. Your mangosteens can't compare.