Hundreds of years ago Polynesian and European explorers left their homes and began their voyages to the island of Kauai. As they were packing for their journeys, they said to themselves, "What would really bug the crap out of Mike in 2007?"

The answer? Roosters.

There are wild chickens and roosters all over Kauai. They're in the residential districts, the resorts, and the strip malls. You see them when you drive down the highway or when you're strolling on the beach. Entire families of chickens casually stroll about the island. They are everywhere.

Supposedly the Iniki hurricane in 1992 destroyed a bunch of chicken coops, granting the chickens and roosters sudden freedom. Apparently the breed that flourished is one that doesn't taste particularly good, and since Kauai does not have any natural predators for the chickens, they have multiplied with wild abandon.

The funny thing (not "funny" as in "ha ha" but "funny" as in "I am going to kill myself now") about roosters is that they don't just crow at the break of dawn. That is apparently a myth. Roosters crow all the time. They crow at daybreak, before daybreak, after daybreak, during dinner, when you're snorkeling, or at any time that can be expressed with a number. If you fill an island with a near infinite number of roosters, they don't spend their time at typewriters typing up Shakespeare, instead they just crow ALL THE FREAKIN' TIME.

This of course means that they're crowing while I'm trying to sleep. Oh, ho ho ho, those fowl little scamps. What! Fun! For! Me!

So, my advice to you all, is that if you ever get the chance to go to Kauai (which is an extraordinarily lovely place), bring ear plugs and Ambien and a white noise machine and a shotgun. Barring that, you could do what Hank eventually did, and just let the crowing enter your dreams. Be prepared to dream about screaming or maybe roosters though.